Tuesday, July 02, 2013
I can't believe I haven't posted in nearly four months! The wedding has come and gone and I certainly didn't meet my goals, in fact.... I maybe gained a few pounds.... in fact, I may be eating cake from my reception as I type this....
Uggggh, so I've back slid a bit on my healthy and to top it off, I've got an awful kidney infection so I haven't been able to work out lately.... the weeks leading up to the wedding were crazy.... we had a very physically fit vacation however, full of hikes and trips down the river.... but we also ate extravagantly and I'm afraid we grew accustomed to such rich tastes, that's it's been a bummer this past week, trying to snap back to reality. However, here's the big thing.... I'M SO HAPPY! I hope he's half as happy as he makes me, because I know I've finally gotten the one I always dreamed would complete me.
It's impossible to explain the ups and downs of our ever-unaligned stars, and yet somehow we managed to overcome it all, stick out the years and the heart aches and communication breakdowns and the I-never-knew-you-felt-that-way
s and somehow here we are. He is literally my best friend. I know people say that a lot, but I really mean it. In high school, I was a bit of a loner dating a loser (who dropped out of school) and Allen was sometimes not just my best friend, but often what felt like, my only friend. It sounds silly, marrying the one that got away, the best friend from high school, the shy, clever drummer boy who was a whiz at math and helped me pass pre-cal.... but he's always been there for me in a way I can't quite explain, he always made me feel like I wasn't being judged and I was safe.
I really don't think we thought of each other, in that way, for years to come... it wasn't until after I broke up with the loser drop-out, that I found my feelings for Allen. He would come over after school, every single day. We'd sit on my couch and watch TV and laugh. Then, one night, just after I dumped the loser.... we kissed. It came out of nowhere. We were in his bed room, watching fear and loathing in las vegas.... and we were laughing and then my head was on his shoulder and then... the next thing I knew I was just wrapped up in bliss. I was 17 years old. I didn't want that kiss to end, but then my loser ex-boyfriend shows up on the doorstep, entirely coincidentally...
I had just ended my first long-term relationship and Allen had an on-again-off-again girlfriend. So we just.... acted like it never happened. I pined away for him silently, started dating another loser and tried to forget. Then, about a year later, at his 20th birthday party... I admittedly drank too much and just decided to lay it on him, the fact that I was absolutely crazy in love and he told me he loved me, too. I fell asleep in his arms that night. He didn't try anything, I knew he wouldn't. All of our friends, of course, assumed we were "together" in both a literal and figurative sense, but to us... we had no idea what we were. We were both too shy to make the first move. We were both the unassertive, unassuming types.... destined never to match up.
In the years that would follow since the night we began telling each other, "I love you," I allowed myself to be pushed around by several other losers and he allowed himself to be cheated on by several other girls.... and though we would confide in each other... we were both too afraid to make ourselves so vulnerable or ruin our friendship. There were occasional nights of indescribable passion that left me ruined for any other man because I had already known the touch of the one I would always love. We would smile at each other in a knowing way in the morning, but never speak of the night. I don't know why we tried to hide it... he would never ask me to be his only and so eventually... some other guy would and I would fall for it all over again. It was a vicious cycle of two incredibly passive people who couldn't find the right words.
Oddly, through out the years I suffered, he claims he suffered just the same. I would always reply, "you only had to say the word...." it wasn't until, upon the death of a dear friend, I realized the finite fashion of our linear lives and so decided to put it all on the line. I was, at the time, dating a very nice boy, who really never did me any harm and yet I had to break his heart. I still feel badly about it because I guess I hurt him. I assume he probably thought I was in love, and I never explained to him about Allen, and the fact that all Allen had to do was speak my name and "I'm sorry, ******, I just can't see you anymore...."
It wasn't Allen's fault either. It was entirely my own fault, I now see. But I still don't regret the decision. Steven was taken off life support and my phone lit up with a message "Hey girl, whooo! Mr. Jones is coming to town and it got me thinking about you, if you wanna we should hang out. I miss you, love you" and I was just flooded with that old emotion. My mother was dying of a slow, terminal cancer and Steven was gone in a fleeting instant. And here I was wasting my time with a man I didn't love.... when the man I did love was right there on the other end of my cell phone. So, I tried again. In spite of all my best intentions, I made a real mess of things. I broke a heart that didn't deserve it and acted like a fool... but I still don't regret anything, because somehow, my stupid mistakes brought us together..... It took a long time for either one of us to become convinced of the sincerity of the other's intentions.... such is the fate for star-crossed lovers, as we were. Slowly, very slowly... trust began to build.... finally the walls were taken down.... and yet, I don't think either of us will ever fully understand the ache of the other. All we can understand is that our souls will never part.