Tuesday, July 02, 2013
Spark may be a diet/nutrition site, but as we all know, the journey is just as much mental/emotional as it is physical.
What happens when we make changes and grow, but those around us don't?
I am not the same person I was years ago. My needs and priorities are different. What I am willing to put up with in my life has changed. I require more out of someone who is close to me than I did when I was unhappy. I put up with things I don't want to now. My focus is on what makes me happy. I don't want to be caught up in head games. I have no energy for constant negativity. The thought drains me.
The question is, and I KNOW that one of you have HAD to have been in this situation before....
What do you do when you change, but your loved one doesn't.
I'm not just talking weight or fitness. I am talking motivation. Positivity vs. Negativity. Drive vs. Complacency.
I know you can't change anyone. They have to want to do it for themselves. But how do you know when the efforts are futile?
Member Comments About This Blog Post
I do like what Stefigirl says, but I have something to add.
If this is just a small relationship, you may be better off cutting ties. Brad's example was not a terribly long term relationship, just about a year.
If this is a marriage, or a very long term commitment, they deserve to know exactly how important all of this is to you. How serious YOU think it is, and that it could make you leave.
I had a very good friend (well, two, I was friends with both the husband and wife) and she began to get fit. She began to change certain things. He continued to be very lazy. She lost weight, he gained weight. She ate right, he ate baconators. He played video games, she went to the gym. It frustrated her so much that he would eat so much garbage and felt that he wasn't being there for her, and he (because nothing was really said) thought everything was just fine. She left. I don't blame her. She was MISERABLE. But I truly think had she begged him to go to counseling, and told him that she thought this would lead to divorce, well, he has told me he would have gone in a heartbeat.
I'm not saying "Don't go," I'm just telling you to really give it all that you can. Do it before you have a foot out the door. Truly "let the mud settle" (to quote stefigirl). If they aren't willing to even try, then at least you know that YOU did.
1479 days ago
Sometimes you leave....sometimes you stay.
Just be willing to 'stand still long enough for your mud to settle', so the next step is crystal clear! That's what my friend Lao-tzu says ;-)~~~~
1479 days ago
I really appreciate all of your comments. I just think I needed an unbiased perspective. You have all given me a lot to think about! Thank you!
1480 days ago
Although I can relate to what you are saying, I also have this thought...
Evaluate the situation and ask yourself if you have given them enough time to be comfortable with the changes they are seeing take place with you or in you. Change is scary and can be intimidating. Perhaps deep inside they very much want to change as well, but are struggling to find the courage to take the first step. Perhaps they are drowning in so much negativity they feel they cant escape it. Starting and failing is terrifying and can hold us back from admitting out loud that we want to make a change for the better.
Walking with someone is so much more enjoyable than falling behind and trying to catch up. If this relationship is important and you want to hold on to it, perhaps in some way you could find a new goal that you could start together at the same time. Something very small and totally achievable. Make them feel comfortable to take on this new goal and start the journey together. Perhaps, with a little success, they will see the positive, they will gain enough confidence to step up and join you on your new path.
1480 days ago
This blog totally resonates with me. I feel like I've been through that process a few times and on some level, I'm going through that process. I may not have made huge lasting changes just yet (I'm fairly new to SP) but already, I've gained confidence that allows me to acknowledge my needs in a relationship and to acknowledge that I don't think they're currently being met.
When is enough enough? I think for me, and probably a lot of other people, there's no more clear defining factor that can we used globally, I think we all have to answer that question individually. Relationships aren't supposed to be easy 100% of the time but in my opinion, if you aren't able to be your true self around someone, or if someone is trying to stifle your grow or your being or if you almost dread seeing the person rather than look forward to it-- it's probably time to reassess and ask yourself, can the relationship last?
Hope you gain some clarity on the situation soon. It's a tough thing to go through!
1480 days ago
It is kind of sad but true. I was in a relationship for about 4 months before I started on this journey in May 2012 and by December, it was over becaues we just grew apart. I wasn't the same person anymore and that made us completely different and it just didn't work anymore.
So yes, I have been in a situation before like you described and it didn't work anymore. I had to find myself and what made me happy and it turned out that it wasn't her at that time, really through no fault of either of us. I changed. Priorities changed. Feelings changed. I tried to change her thoughts on the whole thing as far as lifestyle goes but she wasn't ready and I couldn't afford to stay where I was. There really wasn't a point specifically where I realized it was futile, it just happened and then I realized it.
Best of luck to you and I hope you can get it figured out.
1480 days ago
Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.
More Blogs by NOGOINGBACK5