100,000-149,999 SparkPoints 141,281

A Hard Blog To Write...

Monday, July 01, 2013

Well, I am an optimist, and I hate to write anything less than that on this site. I always look at the bright side but 2013 is really testing me. My oldest son
- age 24 - has anorexia. I am still in such disbelief everytime I think about it. Anyway, he is back at his own house. He bought a dog, a Boston terrier. They are the best breed ever - look at Roxy - so, I have no problem wth that. My son's therapist in California kept suggestioning it so I guess my son decided to try. My son and his dog stay at my house a lot. Roxy is the boss and the puppy is sweet and house trained so it works out ok.

My son is still very thin. Not sure how much he weighs, but I would guess -110. He cuts his food up really small. He did start to add carbs this week (half of a potato). It is strange to watch him eat. He makes all of his food so small. I did figure out if I stay at the table a long time he eats whole serving, but it is an extra half hour. I will sit there for as long as it takes!

How am I? Not good if I went to the doctor. I have gained 10+ lbs, my blood pressure is up and I haven't run in 2 weeks. I have no motivation and quite frankly, just trying to breath. I hope none of you ever have to go through this in your lifetime. Actually, one of my close Sparkfriends has - and maintained their sense if humor - God, I hope I will and hope my son survives the way her daughter did. Anyway, I live day by day, minute by minute. I am now living at home. It is do hard working snd taking care of him, but I am doing it. I literally have no drive to run or even walk.

I am a mess! I have thought about ways to end my life to get out of the pain I have in my heart, but then I think of my family and try again to
make it all better.

I love reading how you are doing! I read all of your blogs and status updates. I look forward to the day when I can do that again!
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so sorry I have not kept up. I hope you are doing better. I can't imagine the weight on your shoulders. HUGS
    1647 days ago
    It sounds like it might be time for you to talk to someone. You're under an incredible amount of stress and have been for months now. The thought of you doing any harm to yourself is unbearable to anyone who even knows you at all, but would crush your family. You are a very strong person but every one needs help at some point in their life. I went for counseling when my husband died suddenly. It didn't change anything but it sure changed the way I coped with it all. I've had you in my prayers since this all started but I'm adding you to our church's prayer list as well. emoticon
    1691 days ago
    Hey, do you want to come for a visit? You are handling it, though it doesn't seem like it to you. Just get the thought of suicide out of your mind.

    My husband and I would welcome you here. You would have to leave Roxy because my rottweiler might tangle with her.

    I met my son's girlfriend for the first time this summer. I met her Dad when he and her brother came over to eat with us. This was the first time we did anything "all" together. My son said he wants to move back home in August. Not knowing where I am at in my life, this is good. He is wants to save for a townhouse.
    1691 days ago

    You have always amazed me that you share your heartaches and your successes so openly here. It is great that you find support here because you give so much support at home. Hang in there and remember that your friends here support you!!
    1693 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/3/2013 11:15:57 AM
    Heartache is hell. No, really.
    Thinking of you each day...

    1694 days ago
    I wait and watch for you to write, it might be hard and it might be short but sometimes it helps to just get it out there is something therapeutic about writing your feelings and just whats happening. Just know we are here to listen. It might be small steps but hopefully in the right direction!! Good Luck and not trying to be selfish or mean but take time for yourself you might not feel like it but after the long dinner go for a short walk not even for weight just for your mind!!
    1694 days ago
    I think about you everyday.
    1694 days ago
    No advice from me, as I haven't faced what you are saddled with. Just
    emoticon emoticon
    1694 days ago
    There are support groups out there for families of anorexics. It IS a family illness. It's not like there is medication to "cure"it. Your role is more like that of Roxy, one of uncritical support and love. Sounds weird,but you'll need to cultivate the aspects of a dog.
    1695 days ago
    You are in my prayers and thoughts - as others have suggested, please do seek counseling. Hopefully your son will be open to seeking help as well.
    1695 days ago
  • OPTIMIST1948
    Are you in your own therapy? It might be worth investigating. You might feel better if you had someone - some place to put all these feelings. Not that Spark isnt a great place to put feelings, but sometimes you need a little more. I'm glad Boy Child is home tho.
    1695 days ago
    we all have ups and downs and it is hard for us to sometimes help others if they are not willing to get help. at least your sun is surrounding himseld with support.
    1695 days ago
    As a mom, whose teenaged son experienced a debilitating bout of depression, I understand some of the feelings you are describing. I am praying for both you and your son and sending you positive thoughts. My son is much better now and we have come a long way out of the darkness. Take care of yourself. Your son needs a strong and healthy mom! emoticon
    1695 days ago
    Believe me, I know how hard it is to confront the truth when you've gained back weight that you thought was gone forever. I'm now confronting that truth and starting to slowly get back on track.

    I would really encourage you to see your doctor and talk about how you are feeling. You are obviously carrying a heavy load. I'm concerned you have actually thought about suicide. Even though your family seems to bring you some comfort, medication might help with your depressive thoughts.
    1695 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/1/2013 11:39:10 PM
    emoticon emoticon
    1695 days ago
  • GINA180847
    It is just not right or kind to have this burden placed on you but what the heck! Who'd have thought having a child would result in this kind of pain.
    1695 days ago
    I'm so glad that you're back in your own home and not travelling anymore like we have been for the past few months. Maybe you are just getting used to being back home, and this hard new routine of work then caring for your son. it's demanding, but I'm sure that you will find a way to find your motivation again.
    just try to remember how it feels when you run, look back at some of your previous posts.
    You're an inspiration to many of us, and we are also looking forward to the day when you can put this all behind you.
    Stay positive, and keep being the best mom he needs :)
    1695 days ago
    Hopefully the dog will be a healing presence for him. Hang on there, dear; you're doing the best you can. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1695 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.