Monday, July 01, 2013
This is actually a positive post.
I don't mean comfortable as in "letting myself go."
I mean comfortable as in...two piece bathing suit.
I first started realizing this yesterday when I decided to soak up some rays on my new back porch. Last weekend, I moved houses for hopefully the last time while I'm in Athens. We're now in a cute little two bedroom, two bath about 5 miles outside campus, with an apple tree and grape arbor in the back yard, out in the middle of nowhere.
Anyways, I got into my bag of bathing suits...yes I have a bag of bathing suits, and started trying a few on, and a lot were WAY too big for me. Good for my self-esteem, but not so good for my wallet.
Luckily, last year, I'd bought a two piece that I rarely wore because I was still over 200 pounds and very conscious of the stretch marks and extra skin that would be exposed if I wore it.
Well yesterday, when I put it on, I looked in the mirror and...*gasp*...I was okay with what I saw. I wasn't ashamed or upset. I just thought, yep, this is how I look. I'm not going to be competing in any Miss America pageants anytime soon. But I was comfortable enough that I could actually wear the suit in public, not just on my back porch.
I realize that stretch marks and extra skin are like battle scars for me. Its who I used to be, and they're not going away so I just have to accept them and realize how much healthier I am now.
My second moment of shock was last night at my first soccer game of the seasons. It was cool out when I left, so I was wearing a long sleeve tee and shorts. I play goalie, so it makes sense that I wear long sleeves. Well, there are other people who play goalie too, so I ended up playing on the field for a bit and running warmed me up quite fast.
In my second out of body experience, during our water break, I took off my shirt, was standing in a sports bra and put a mesh penny on for the rest of the time I played.
I could never have done this a year ago. I would have thought about all the eyes looking at my fat while my shirt was off, and wondering if people were watching me jiggle through my mesh. Last night, all I cared about was playing the game that I love.
These are two huge victories for me. I know I will be able to improve my body more when I lose more weight and start doing toning and tightening exercises, but for now, being OKAY with who I am and what I look like is the greatest feeling in the world.