Monday, July 01, 2013
I don't mind making mistakes. I really don't. It's when I don't learn from these mistakes that I get frustrated with myself. I went home for the weekend to see a friend who had a week of leave from the Marines and had one night that was eerily similar to my monster binges (just smaller), a day of all around overeating, and then a last of I just don't care anymore.
If it's not an amount I'd be comfortable eating over a 2 week stretch, why do I suddenly think it's ok to eat that amount in a single night? When I'm eating right and at 1600 calories and even a little hungry, I would never eat a peanut butter brownie or ice cream bar, yet when I'm going off I can't stop myself from eating those, and multiple of them. When I'm already at 3 or 4 thousand calories, it's like I think eating anything more just doesn't count or something so I keep going
That was the first night. I just raided the fridge at home after everyone was in bed. 2nd day, the Marine and our hockey mom came over and we had a HUGE brunch which was so much fun. Even tho I was full and bloated from the night before I was still able to eat and enjoy the copious amount of eggs, sausage, bacon, hashbrowns and other amazing breakfast food all around. Even had bloody marys, mimosas, and Irish coffee going all morning. It was so much fun and I don't mind cheat meals like that at all.
But then in the afternoon, it was like I couldn't deal with becoming un-uncomfortably full and I kept grabbing more rhubarb muffins and peanutbutter/chocolate bars. I was still super full from doing that all day when I went over to his place and a bunch of us from highschool got together to grill burgers, drink beer, and catch up. I was almost so full and uncomfortable I couldn't enjoy myself, but that didn't stop me from continuing to nom on the trail mix around the fire.
Now it was Sunday and I hurt in the morning. Mentally, I told myself I would do a 24 hour fast to drain myself. Well I failed there and then just gave up everything. There were rhubarb, banana, and pumpkin breads out after church and I just said "screw it" and had those with coffee fellowship. Then at home before I drove back, my parents reheated the bit of leftovers we had. I could have easily just picked at this, it wasn't a big deal, but I ate two more heaping plates.
This morning, I was a solid 10 pounds heavier. But that's not the big thing. The whole point of eating right is to feel better, and I definitely did not feel better by overeating and binging on that food. Before last weekend, I had gone over a month without having anything horrible happen, then I had that bit of a backslide, and then I just completey failed this weekend.
I just have to make sure I finally learned my lesson this time around. I need to find a way to again enjoy stuff in moderation in social settings. With sweets, it's like I have no problem eating 1, being done and being proud of myself. But I feel like I deprived myself and this feeling builds over multiple occasions until I snap. But if I have 2, I'm gonna have 10. I need to make a consious effort to learn to have 2-3 different treats and then be able to stop. I also need to find a way to just nibble on copious amounts of food when it's all around (like that brunch) and then also not continue to eat afterwords.
Maybe this was a good thing. I'm heading for a little vacation over the long 4th of July weekend and I don't think there's any chance of me pigging out anymore with regular food. I'll probably go into my traveling for work mode and be fine. I just NEED to not graze and snack on junk after getting back from drinking at the bars. That habit of mine cannot exist anymore, and I think this upcoming weekend will be my chance to finally kill it.
Up at least 6 legitimate pounds tho... So much for switching back to maintenance after the 4th like I had planned when I had that good month.