I was put in a funk yesterday.
I shared a photo of the cute new top I made by folding and tucking an old shirt, I was so proud of myself, on facebook and a friend of mine commented, " You look skinny.
And, of course, it rubbed me the wrong way.
I wasn't like raging mad or anything, but it bugged me.
I wasn't going for that reaction, I was showing off my shirt. But later that day, as my step son was sharing some silly you tube crap with me and his dad I was reminded of the girl (you know the one) who posts photos of herself on social media because she wants the compliments. I wasn't fishing. But for whatever reason, someone commenting on my appearance made me feel like I was fishing. I didn't like it. And I don't like the term skinny to describe me.
Mostly because it sounds generic. And because it is a truly poor word to describe my shape. I am not skinny. I have never been skinny. I will never be skinny. I'm okay with that. But when people use that word to describe me I feel like I am being put on, patronized in a way. I get that so many women would love to be called skinny. I am not one of them. It sends me on a roller coaster of paranoid uncertainty about how confident I am in my skin. Crazy. I know.
I wrote a blog yesterday about size, sort of about size....it was more of a start to my downward spiral from the kind words of my friend.
I suppose it could have come off as harsh. Sometimes I write things and I don't make it sound so nice. I wonder if people may think I am being anti fat or something.
It isn't that. Really. But I do think we need to talk more about the truth of being fat, the truth of how time has twisted our culture to give us seriously effed up ideas of body image. What is healthy? What isn't? What should a normal healthy body with a few extra pounds look like, or measure in at? It is going to be slightly different for everyone, right? Can we be real and still be kind to our selves?
We have to embrace and do our best with our body types. Some of us are skinny. Some of us are curvy. Some of us are shaped like boxes or sticks.
I will never have a tremendous thigh gap, or hips that are not ten inches larger than my waist. I will never have large breasts. I will always have a large rib cage and broad shoulders....it gives me the illusion of an hourglass at least. I will never have long legs. Having larger boobs and bottom doesn't automatically make one curvy. Just as not being overweight makes one skinny. I could go on and on, right, about how differently we are all shaped. I posted a blog showing a photo of how differently the same weight can appear on different bodies.
it is ingrained in us. To judge each other and ourselves based on what we look like.
I feel like I've worked so hard for so long to get away from that. It irritates me when a simple compliment can bring all that ridiculousness back into my head for even a moment.