Sunday, June 30, 2013
You can do almost 1,000 fitness minutes, sweat your butt off and eat as best as you can for an entire month but still, the scale won't say anything you'd like it to say. It simply doesn't matter.
I'm feeling the lowest I've felt in a very long time. I'm discouraged and am extremely sad. If you would have asked me 4 years ago that I'd be here today, I'd laugh at you. I just don't know where I'm going, I'm navigating this life without a map or a guide. Am I even making sense? Just once I'd like to look in that mirror and not think of a part of me that I'd like to change.
Restriction doesn't work for me. I can't do it. I'm not sure of what else I can do in order to get back to my maintenance range. Maybe I wasn't meant to be 185, maybe I'm supposed to be 285 again. All I know is the pain, the frustration and the exhaustion. I work so hard in the gym, in my fitness classes. I sweat like a pig and push my body farther than I've ever pushed it before. What do I get back? A scale that has a 2 in front of it. After all of that work, I get nothing in return. Whatever happened to me? What am I to become? Whatever happened to the fire that was inside of me? Where did that young woman go? How can I find my way to her again? How can I find my way out of the pain?
I'm not looking for pity, just a sounding board.