Sunday, June 30, 2013
Within my BLC group, there is a little discussion about being able to make decisions, with some people maybe being envious of people who can make decisions quickly and seemingly easily.
I am not so sure that quick decision making is always a good thing. I've been called indecisive. But I prefer to think of it as weighing my options. I like to be sure there is no chance whatsoever that emotion or pressure from outside could be influencing me. Whether it is making a close friend, buying something or doing something, I often wait until everyone all around me is ready to give up on me ever making up my mind. But then I am unshakeable, determined and loyal.
I suspect my teammates who have also been called indecisive will find that if they look deeply into themselves, they have those qualities, too. And to them I say: those decisions you know you have made on your own are YOURS. And no one can take them from you. Is it then such a bad thing to be a slow decision maker? In those instances when you don't hold firm to your decisions, it's because you haven't taken the time to dig deeply enough or to settle your mind enough to know what your decision should be.
When I painted (which I haven't done in a while, unfortunately), I used to just leave the painting on an easel where I could see it but I wouldn't touch it for at least a week. It would be where I had to pass by. Where I could almost, but not quite forget about it, where it could practically enter my subconscious but then sometimes I could really stare at it. Across from the bed for a couple days, at the top of the stairs, across from the bathroom door. Since I did not hurry the painting, I was able to see if it was actually any good. Sometimes I decided how to finish and frame it. Sometimes I painted over it. After investing a lot of consecutive hours in anything, this kind of honest, emotionless appraisal is difficult to do without time.
If I have a decision to make, I may take it with me on car rides, on a run, as I go about my business, but I have trained myself not to make myself nuts by leaving it foremost in my brain. There's a trick to laying it just below the surface. Think about your brain and its folds and imagine a spot where you can lay this problem where it will be accessible when you need it but where it won't pester you. That's where you want to put it.
All that said - before you think I am the queen of Jedi mind tricks, I am still working at not worrying myself to pieces over circumstances over which I have no control at all. My current strategy is to decide on a date that I will revisit the subject of worry and to write it down and put it somewhere visible, like in my school bag. So when I start worrying, there's the piece of paper saying I'm not supposed to be doing that!
When I go to bed, I try to remember specific things about what I just read in a book on running, down to the page layout, the drawing of exercises and the numbers on the charts. And this seems to be working pretty well for keeping me from worrying all night. It's the daytime hijacking of boring lectures at school that are the problem, still.