Saturday, June 29, 2013
I survived and now I want to thrive.
When I realized I was pregnant last year I had no idea the impact what this would have on my life. My husband and I weren't planning on having children, be we were also not opposed to it. I mean, if you have sex (even protected) you stand a chance of falling pregnant.
I know there are worse pregnancies out there than mine, but I don't actually know someone whose pregnancy was so awful. I was pretty much sick (one way or the other) for 7 months. Until you've been sick for 7 months straight you won't ever understand how horrific it is. The moment one thing passed, the next began. I even got CTS?!? I had no idea it could be caused by pregnancy.
I decided on a c-section (I am short and my baby was big) and just got through every day counting the days until the pregnancy could be over. It was bad, but there was light at the end of the tunnel. Or so I thought.
After my son was born I struggled. It was worse than the pregnancy. I took very good care of him, but I didn't spend time with him other than to take care of him. He petrified me. By 3 weeks I realized something is wrong and saw my GP. He put me back on my anti-depressants (which I stopped taking during my pregnancy), but it was too little too late. By 6 weeks I hit rock bottom. I wanted to die.
I was hospitalized for 3 weeks and it was the second best thing that has ever happened to me. I slept, rested, painted, attended groups and saw my psychologist and psychiatrist pretty much every day. It changed my life for the better in every single way.
So here I am - my son is 7 months old and we are having a great time. I know all parents think this, but I swear he is the friendliest, easiest, most intelligent baby ever. I am grateful EVERYDAY that the Lord gave him to me. If I had known I would have him I would have fallen pregnant 7 years ago when we got married;)
I started seeing a personal trainer and have discovered energy I didn't know existed. I am getting fitter, but not really losing weight. Yes, muscle weighs more than fat, and I have definitely lost fat, but I want to do better. I have been eating a slab of chocolate nearly everyday since I was admitted. As a result of the PND I lost 12kgs in the first month after giving birth. I haven't picked any of it up, but I also have not lost more. So I am slowly but surely cutting back on chocolate. I still eat it pretty much every day, but I have gone from 100g per day to 50g or less, without feeling deprived. In a week this has made me lose a bit more than 1/2kg. Yay!
I've been told to go easy on myself for a year after the birth and PND, so I'm being gentle and non judgmental and so far its been working. Like eating an elephant, I am doing this one bite at a time.