Friday, June 28, 2013
Went on a long walk today in the sunshine, and got a little sunburned. It was beautiful out, not too hot, and the breeze was lovely.
I spent an hour on the phone with my dad and another hour and a half on the phone with my best friend. I started out the day a bit frustrated, so both conversations were wonderful. I wasn't upset after a while, at least not as much. And it faded into something else that leaves me a different kind of upset.
I've made a lot of personal progress in the last five years. Five years ago right now I worked in a demeaning job, had no future, had no plans. I left that life, but I didn't do it all myself. If you ever asked me in person I will tell you how God worked it all out for me. But it did take a lot of work to become the person I am today. I am stronger, I am more confident, I am steady. Most days.
I have gumption, too. Most days.
But I'm the type of person that will internalize everything I think, just so I don't lose friends. I don't like to offend people and I don't like to argue about something that I probably can't change. And a few years ago I had this boyfriend... Actually, he was the last person I dated before I met my husband. Basically I sacrificed a lot for him, I hung out with his friends instead of mine, I ignored my creativity for a while because he didn't really appreciate it. After not quite two months of dating he dumped me, and essentially told me how horrible I was (when I had done nothing but try to be supportive and encouraging.) It was pretty painful and took months to get over, and even after I met my husband, the situation still hurt me because I had to go to school with the guy.
And I just found something out today that changes the entire relationship I had with this person. It makes me feel lied to. It makes me feel manipulated. It makes me feel like the whole world is backwards and even though I'm going in the right direction everyone is still pointing and laughing at me--or worse, condemning me.
There's not much to be said about it without going into too much detail. I know in a few days I will feel better and I will have the strength (maybe) to talk to this guy about it. Maybe. Maybe. But for now I just feel wounded--all over again. It's been 4.5 years and it's like the hurts are fresh and raw. Everything I thought I knew, everything I did to heal myself, feels wiped away.
And yes, my husband has reassured me and encouraged me. But I feel pretty vulnerable about this right now. It takes time for me to process these sort of things and I don't want to take the time to process. UGH.
I put away my easel yesterday because I didn't have any projects in the works, but I definitely am getting it back out tonight. Art therapy, here I come.