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    HEIDIODIE123   12,484
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diabetes, depression, anxiety...no insurance

Friday, June 28, 2013

So I know I need to get back on the weight-loss wagon. If for no other reason, than because I ran out of my diabetes medicine and know what my blood sugars are surely doing to me.
My depression and anxiety are through the roof, since I ran out of my meds for that too.
I'm feeling so overwhelmed, and so worthless that I pray that the Lord will take me every night.
I can't tell anyone, because they'll think I'm suicidal, and I'm not...I'm just so stressed and feel so useless that I feel like I just can't take what I'm going through. I know God only gives us what we can handle...but I really wish he didn't think I was such a bad ass...
I used to make good money at a pharmaceutical company in Upstate NY until we were bought out by Pfizer and they shut most all of our sites down, including the one I worked at. I wasn't worried, because I was accepted into a nursing program locally and thought it would be a great new start for me. I graduated from a Practical Nursing program and was confident that it would all work out. My fiance was transferred to Boston, Mass for work so we moved to Southern NH so that he could commute and I would be close to my baby sister who lived nearby. It took me forever to find a part-time job at a gas station. I didn't get any other calls for any other job. It was a huge blow to my self-esteem.
Today, I had an appointment to get Medicaid. They said I even qualify for food stamps. I've been crying off and on all day. I have had to humble myself so much to even have the courage to apply. I feel like I've fallen off of a great cliff and I just don't know how I'll ever climb my way back out of it.
I've been told that I should feel grateful. I have a job. I barely bring home $200 a week, compared to over $600 when I worked at Wyeth. I still have those bills that I had from then. I can't make my payments. It's so overwhelming.
I know this is an incredibly depressing blog post, and I know that I am wallowing in self-pity right now. I just feel so terrible that I am where I am today.
I have a fiance who loves me and doesn't know what to do. He works so hard, and brings in the only real money we have to survive. I have two beautiful children. One is going off to college in the fall and is living in NY with my mother and stepfather. I miss her so much. She's healthy and happy. My son is living here with my fiance & me. He's got type I diabetes and is only working part-time himself. No benefits. He'll be running out of his medicine soon. I've been hounding him to get his application into Medicaid too.
I do have many things to be grateful. And I am. I'm just having a hard time focusing on my blessings right now, with so many things in my life falling apart.
My credit is in the toilet. The last time I checked it was in the 400's. I just don't know how to get out of this depression.
I'm praying that I qualify for Medicaid, so I can get back on my antidepressants and antianxiety meds, as well as my diabetes medication. I'm praying that I can somehow find the lesson in what I'm going through right now. I'm praying that I can pull myself out of this and somehow find a way to make ends meet.
I'm sorry for being such a Debbie-downer right now. I just needed to get this off of my chest and stop stuffing it deep inside me. I know that if I keep doing that, it will fester and only get worse.
I'm not suicidal, I'm just terribly depressed and feel very overwhelmed.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEIDIODIE123 7/1/2013 9:58PM

    Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers!! My appointment went well. I have 2 more documents to drop off tomorrow, and then I should hear from them in the next couple of weeks! I had an amazing moment at work today when a complete stranger offered me help and it blew me away to the point that I broke down in tears after he left...I'm going to post a blog about it in just a minute. It has revived my hope in humanity and I see it as a sign from God as to what I need to do next in my life. I'm feeling so much gratitude and am sincerely feel the work of God in my life. Thank you all again for helping me to stay hopeful!
((HUGS))
~Heidi

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WAY2GOCAT 6/30/2013 2:49AM

    May GOD bless you...and may you not turn to food or alcohol for comfort. In Jesus name. Amen.

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MEDDYPEDDY 6/29/2013 11:31PM

    I think you react very adequat to a hard situation. I am stressed and depressed and although it is painful I can see that my situation is troublesome and therefore it is only logical and human to react to it.

When I start feeling useless and my self esteem is punctuated it is very hard to turn it around - the only thing I can do is to look for some small achievements I can manage because I know that it might turn the spiral upwards again.

I think your post was brave and it helped me because I am not alone. Hang in there and keep on pushing... this too shall pass! emoticon

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ELSCO55 6/29/2013 9:10PM

    Praying that the Medicaid and a new job will come through.

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AJDOVER1 6/29/2013 5:35PM

    emoticon My prayers are with you. Don't turn down food stamps -- it's right for you to accept help from any source you can. I received food stamps for several months and it was one less burden to bear. Concentrate on taking care of yourself any way you can: healthy meals, walk and exercise, meditate and pray. It's not about losing weight, it's about gaining health. Most important, know that you are loved and you will get through this. I know when I was in a similar situation, I didn't believe it either. See if you can find a social worker or mental health advocate to help you through these overwhelming challenges -- it helps so much to have someone to walk through it with you. Rely on professional assistance where you can. Things will change -- I only know because they did for me.

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TXGRANDMA 6/28/2013 8:50PM

    emoticon So sorry you are going through this very difficult time. God Bless you! emoticon

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61INCHGAL 6/28/2013 8:01PM

    I hear you because I am in a similar boat.

I was turned down for Medicaid and Family health plus and have lived for the last 6 years with no health insurance, and I have sleep apena a host of 'above the neck ' diagnosis's, many of yours as well.

I got free psy help as that is mandated by NY state and go to a free state run psy clinic here in Brookyn, but apart from that I get nothing apart from $ 4 a week in food stamps which I no longer qualify so this is my last month with that as well.

NY is a tough place to be broke because the only place you get help is by sitting all nite in an emergency room which I was forced to do.

I know none of this will make you feel better, just to let you know, you are not in the boat alone.

Vickie xx

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HEALTHYMLB 6/28/2013 7:34PM

    Sorry for your situation right now inope the support of your boyfriend and family and spark friends helps and that your Medicaid meeting went well please reach out to help in your community and I hope the office at Medicaid offered you some guidance I will say a prayer for you

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TWIN412 6/28/2013 7:23PM

    I am so sorry that you feel so depressed and overwhelmed I think we all have at some point in our lives but try not to dwell on the negative but focus on the positive we all have something someone good in our lives and no matter your situation it could be worst last but not least PRAY and Thank God for the good as well as the bad emoticon

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