Friday, June 28, 2013
So I know I need to get back on the weight-loss wagon. If for no other reason, than because I ran out of my diabetes medicine and know what my blood sugars are surely doing to me.
My depression and anxiety are through the roof, since I ran out of my meds for that too.
I'm feeling so overwhelmed, and so worthless that I pray that the Lord will take me every night.
I can't tell anyone, because they'll think I'm suicidal, and I'm not...I'm just so stressed and feel so useless that I feel like I just can't take what I'm going through. I know God only gives us what we can handle...but I really wish he didn't think I was such a bad ass...
I used to make good money at a pharmaceutical company in Upstate NY until we were bought out by Pfizer and they shut most all of our sites down, including the one I worked at. I wasn't worried, because I was accepted into a nursing program locally and thought it would be a great new start for me. I graduated from a Practical Nursing program and was confident that it would all work out. My fiance was transferred to Boston, Mass for work so we moved to Southern NH so that he could commute and I would be close to my baby sister who lived nearby. It took me forever to find a part-time job at a gas station. I didn't get any other calls for any other job. It was a huge blow to my self-esteem.
Today, I had an appointment to get Medicaid. They said I even qualify for food stamps. I've been crying off and on all day. I have had to humble myself so much to even have the courage to apply. I feel like I've fallen off of a great cliff and I just don't know how I'll ever climb my way back out of it.
I've been told that I should feel grateful. I have a job. I barely bring home $200 a week, compared to over $600 when I worked at Wyeth. I still have those bills that I had from then. I can't make my payments. It's so overwhelming.
I know this is an incredibly depressing blog post, and I know that I am wallowing in self-pity right now. I just feel so terrible that I am where I am today.
I have a fiance who loves me and doesn't know what to do. He works so hard, and brings in the only real money we have to survive. I have two beautiful children. One is going off to college in the fall and is living in NY with my mother and stepfather. I miss her so much. She's healthy and happy. My son is living here with my fiance & me. He's got type I diabetes and is only working part-time himself. No benefits. He'll be running out of his medicine soon. I've been hounding him to get his application into Medicaid too.
I do have many things to be grateful. And I am. I'm just having a hard time focusing on my blessings right now, with so many things in my life falling apart.
My credit is in the toilet. The last time I checked it was in the 400's. I just don't know how to get out of this depression.
I'm praying that I qualify for Medicaid, so I can get back on my antidepressants and antianxiety meds, as well as my diabetes medication. I'm praying that I can somehow find the lesson in what I'm going through right now. I'm praying that I can pull myself out of this and somehow find a way to make ends meet.
I'm sorry for being such a Debbie-downer right now. I just needed to get this off of my chest and stop stuffing it deep inside me. I know that if I keep doing that, it will fester and only get worse.
I'm not suicidal, I'm just terribly depressed and feel very overwhelmed.