At my last meeting with my dietitian we talked a lot about my successes, and a few of the things I still felt needed work. Sheís an interesting woman, my dietitian, and her choice of extreme pointed toed stilettos seems totally at odds with her hyper, slightly geeky personality (okay, so she hangs out here sometimes, and I probably shouldnít say that, but, well, sorry!)
After a bit of talking about my plans and goals, she finally stopped, and very carefully worded a question to me: ďDo you believe you can do this?Ē
I was totally taken aback. I have worked so hard for so many years on my Iron Maiden mask, I didnít think anyone could possibly see through it. I had no idea what to say. I hedged for a bit, but finally had to admit that I didnít really.
I have no concerns about meeting my next athletic goal. Iíve been meeting massive athletic goals for my entire life. Itís my weight that scares me. I started yo-yoing in high school, when I discovered that the skinny girls weighed 15 pounds less than me. I was probably carrying 15 extra pounds of muscle mass at the time, but in high school you donít know that. By the time I was 30 I was struggling to stay below 200 pounds, and still yo-yoing. I would get down to within 20 pounds of my goal, and then head right back up, and over my last maximum weight.
By the time I found myself a divorced single mom, back in college, with a toddler to take care of, I had reached almost 260. Once again I fought and clawed my way down, this time to 210. And then I got cancer. By the time I was done with treatments you would have thought I would be losing weight like crazy; the inside of my mouth was so messed up I had to smear this nasty viscous gunk in it just to be able to eat pudding. But no, the steroids saw to that. By the time I was paying attention to my weight again I was 267. Iím sure at one point I hit 270.
What basis do I have for belief that I can do this? If you're expecting a firm, self-confident answer to this question, you've reached the wrong blog. So sorry, but I just started working on this one 2 days ago. I'm going to have to rely on baby steps. So this is my first baby step:
This is my beautiful baby sister, she's an internationally known singer/instrumentalist. She believes in me. There has to be something to that.
I suppose I should mention that my dietitian also believes in me.