Thursday, June 27, 2013
OK, so here it goes the beginning , again...... I know I should not beat myself up for the slips, foibles and falls of dieting but I do. I know better but, I repeat and like shampooing repeat rinse and repeat again! So I am trying the blog route to try to be accountable for myself and to possibly get the encouragement , help and friendship (of people that have been here or are going through it) that I need and want.... I have finally come to terms I can't do this alone any more.
This is truly a new beginning for me really. I have hidden behind cropped photos on Facebook , Ran away (literally) from cameras( you can see my back side in a blur running) , gave the football stance when one was raised , deleted photo's , untagged and ignored invites because of embarrassment. I have finally made the decision that my first step is to come clean and admit "I am not that skinny girl any more, I am not perfect." I am me , human full of slips, falls and well the list can go on and on..... But truly my first step is letting go of my embarrassment and facing who I am right here and now. Being accountable for my own life. Who knows maybe this will ring a bell with someone else??? But,I still have that sliver of fear knowing I will after this post hear a large intake of breath or be the brunt of a few jokes. That scares the H3!! out of me. Here I am though persevering!!!
Here is a long and short of it so you can get a snap shot of where I am coming from. I am 42 have 3 kids, asthma , Severe migraines (under control) and Peri menopause. Yep that's right I said the "P" word! (Intake of breathe) me entering the menopause race before I should even be at the line up! I am in the starter blocks head down ready for the hills. Lets go....
I have bounced back from each births of my kids with no problem just taking time knowing the weight did not go on over night. My first pregnancy 70lbs. on 70lbs. off ,thank you weight watchers, My second , 60lbs. on 60lbs off, again thank you W.W. The last one 7 years ago not so easy. I know ,I know I can not consider it baby weight any more after 7 years but come on a girl can try can't she??? So lets rename it stress weight.
I became frustrated ,a small snowball formed and was rolling down a fast steep slope. My sister broke from her partner of many years and turmoil began. Did I mention I am a stress eater???? Then my mom came over and while trying to ride a bike with my kids in a tow behind fell in my yard and broke her hip. Boy was my fully stocked kitchen calling my name loud and clear. Than that tiny snowball came crashing down causing an avalanche. My dad died suddenly of a massive coronary while at home. You need to understand I am (was) a daddy's girl. My one solace is that I was able to be there that day and have my last words to him be "I love you" and a hug before all this happened. This was my decline though. In one month every thing that I had taken for granted was turned upside down.
My love for cooking and baking became my therapy. I struggled ,cried and persevered baking , cooking and of course eating! How could I not eat those decadent things that I made? That would just be nuts to let them go to waste! I began to help put the pieces back in our family and life.
So here I am drum roll please....... ready to lose 60 lbs. , 58.5 to be exact. Some will say "that's not much" but it is to a foodie I love to cook and I bake cakes and desserts for people. I have chosen a weight for me that is not so skinny that I lose my curves I like those (wink,wink) but at a comfortable place I want to be. To me it is a mountain I must climb.
I am fighting food restrictions, menopause and medications. It is an uphill battle that I am ready to face head on and win! I need this for me no one else. I want to be healthy and take away the risk of heart disease and cancer. Maybe even cut back on some if my medications!!! I want to be here for my kids and husband.
About a year ago I started eating healthy ,watching the processed foods that I consumed and exercising sporadically . Then I stumbled onto SPARKPEOPLE.com I browsed through tried a few things ,read a few articles. I then decided to buy a copy of the spark people cookbook. I was hooked I even asked Santa for a fitbit for Christmas! I loved it ,the ball was rolling but this time in a good direction! Then I bought a copy of the spark solution and it struck a cord so I gave it a test drive (so to speak) I lost 9lbs. ! I plan on starting from scratch on the 2 week program (graduations, sports ect... have derailed me) to get me kick started again. What ever I learned from this program it is working. It has cleared my mind enough to come clean and push forward. The processed foods have all but disappeared from my home. Not completely though I DO have 2 teenagers! SO this will be my journey ,I hope that my family and friends will be there to support me and to follow me . To laugh, cry and push me harder. So This is the real ME! Silly as it is I already feel a little bit freer............