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The Walls Between Me and The World

Thursday, June 27, 2013

I lost all that weight - 50 pounds. I did, I did. I knew how to keep it off, too, you know I did.

But here's the thing. When I took down the wall of fat between me and my world, it empowered me. It made me feel like I could do anything. And it took away my restricted view of what was going on in my life. It gave me the energy and the moxie to say "No Freaking MORE!"

So I started making changes in my life that had nothing to do with losing weight or getting in shape. I asked my ex for a divorce, I stopped doing what I was doing for a living, and I set off on a journey of figuring out who I was, and working on all the things that had stopped me from being the best I could be.

All of this, combined with losing my dad in May, 2012, and finding out that my ex had completely run our finances into the ground? Well, to be honest, it all cratered me in a way I never thought I could be cratered.

My thyroid crashed from all the stress, and I mostly went to bed...for a very long time. I hid on Facebook. I hid watching Netflix. I hid playing games on my phone. I hid taking pictures. I hid writing. I hid in my house, from my friends, from my clients, from my life. And I rebuilt the wall of fat between me and my world.

Maybe all that hiding served me for awhile, although it had a pretty high price looking back. I certainly forgave myself, made allowances for myself, was patient with myself. It felt like that time and what I did was necessary. It felt like something inside of me wasn't going to let me do anything differently anyway.

And while I was back there, I definitely made a great number of personal changes, created a large amount (I'll tell you more about that later)...and discovered a lot about me and what I wanted from my life.

But that wall's done serving me, and I'm done hiding behind it. It's time to take all the things I learned and all the stuff I created and discovered while I was back there and put it out where the rest of the world lives.

So down comes the wall, and here I am, ready to be part of the world again, even if it takes me awhile to reintegrate.
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