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Am I Really Here?


Thursday, June 27, 2013

Well, I'm not quite sure why I waited until I was down 32lbs before starting this blog. I guess part of me feels like I wanted to be sure I was as emotionally ready to start this journey as I thought I was.

This week has been tough for me though. The depression's been weighing me down more-so than usual. Every-time I look in the mirror, I feel like nothing's changes even though the entirety of my body has gone down 11.5" between April 15 and June 15. I began this journey on April 1st, 2013. And no, that's not an April Fool's joke even for someone my size.

Anyway, I realize I'm straying from the original thought - the depression. I've been like this since first grade and while I can guess several root causes, I just wish I knew there was a way to "fix" me. Make me "normal". I know "normal" means something different to everyone, but I feel like I've always sold myself short. I did this to me, in the end though. When you're young, there's a point where your parents are responsible for your food and exercise intake, but at about the early teen years when you start getting educated on health and it MEANS something to you - then part of it is on you as well (at least as far as portions and exercise go, you don't have money for your own food at that age).

I just wish I knew what happiness is like and I hope that I'm not na´ve enough to subconsciously believe that losing all this extra weight is going to be my mental health cure; especially being a psychology major.

I've started therapy in February, but parts of me still regularly feel like they're dying inside. Slowly draining me away. It's a very lonely feeling and silences can be deafening. I haven't even had the ambition of the past few months I did to exercise this week yet. I hope I can at least force myself to do SOMETHING tomorrow.

I find the lake helps find some peace. It might be an ideal spot for me to go after dinner tomorrow. I might get some great shots with the Nikon now that Lake Michigan is starting to get cleaned up.

Really, this is just falling into late-night rambling and I should probably snag some sleep so I can function at work tomorrow. This is the first time I've ever blogged before, so until I get a handle on how I want to conduct my blog, bare with me.

-Jessica
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
BLOOGRL 7/29/2013 10:05AM

    Thanks for the support. It means a lot. emoticon

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KCLARK89 6/27/2013 8:45AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

You can do it!! Blogging can help in so many ways; the community here (as I'm sure you know!) is SO supportive.

I hope you get down to the lake to get your pictures! Try and find little joys like that in your everyday life. Even just starting with one/day can make a fantastic difference.

Keep up the work that you have done so far and know that we're here for you!

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DWROBERGE 6/27/2013 1:57AM

    Keep focused for success.

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ANDYGIRL1219 6/27/2013 12:20AM

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