Wednesday, June 26, 2013
I have always been on some sort of diet or eating program. I at one time lost 100+ pounds. I have always used food as a way to cope with the stresses and drama of my life. I didn't really know how to express what i was feeling.. and was afraid to even try. I was made fun of in school because i was fat and i was so emotional. I cried about everything. I stayed away from everyone and didn't trust many. I was that strange fat girl who always seemed tired and never really interacted with many people. I couldn't tell anyone the truth. My home life was a violent war zone . I can't remember a time i didn't hurt in my heart or my body. Just the stress of getting out of bed made me want to give up. I wasn't allowed to express joy and run like other kids. I was to be quiet and not make a peep. My mother was very loving.. my father not so much.
Many years and many tears and bruises later my parents divorced and i took the responsibility of caring for Mom. She was sick, but i didn't mind (well most of the time) and in 2010 she passed away and my world crumbled. I had a wonderful man in my life and i am still so blessed he is my partner.
I gained so much weight when mom died. I just didn't care. My grief consumed me and i spent so much money on treats to make my heart not hurt so much. But the pain didn't go away from eating. the pain is still there, just not a sharp most days.. somedays it feels even worse. I suddenly had all this free time on my hands and didn't know how to deal. I slept away so much. My body had been hurting for so long and my dr finally told me i have Fibro.
Each day is a new adventure with Fibro. Some days i can move all over the place and clean and go for a walk.. then there are days when even getting out of bed kills me. I can't sleep because of the aching , gnawing pain all over. I can't tolerate the meds so i just deal with the pain.
I used all of this for so long as an excuse of WHY i couldn't be healthy.. why i couldn't even try again.
I take care of everyone and make sure they have what they need to have a good life.. but when it came to me.. i just didn't think i mattered.
I was always looking outside for happiness and something or someone to make me whole.
I have been doing a great deal of soul searching and i realize that its all up to me. I am worth having a healthy life and i deserve only the best. If i want to be happy.. i have to make the choice to be happy and then do what is necessary to keep myself happy. No one can do it for me... its all up to me.
Happiness has to come from within and not from someone or something. Sure i can be happy about something.. but if i can't figure out the good and joy in my life..nothing will keep me happy.
I know its going to be a journey that will have ups and downs. I also know that this is NOT a diet but a lifestyle.
I have to really work on putting myself first and to keep going even when it seems that its too much for me to do. One step at a time.. and i will get to where i am meant to be