Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I have really been struggling since right about when my son got home. I have been desperately searching for a solution to my problems with my temper and feelings of frustration.
I have tried a lot of different things. I bought a book on assertiveness after nearly getting myself arrested in a consignment shop. It's definitely a book I could use.
I've tried setting boundaries for my son and we have both been working on adapting to how both of us have changed as well as how both of us need to change. I imagine it as a simultaneous evolutionary process. We've had a lot of fights. We've also had a lot of fun together. We've gone to Comicpalooza. We've watched stand up comedy together. We've had barbeques.
In acts of desperation I have at the last minute canceled some overtime twice. I've called in to work twice as well. This is completely out of character for me. Totally, completely, out of character for me.
I've also been doing an anger journal which has helped cut down on immediate outbursts.
Also, I do have a connection to Mother Father God and church always help - spiritual material always helps.
The people who post in response here and actually the group I started Purposeful Positivity helps me - everyone there is very nice and tolerant.
I know from experience that not one of these things is going to be THE ANSWER.
I think it was Tatter who said that one day she just let her anger go.
One thing I have never mentioned during my blog posts about my temper and frustration is that I have been sleeping an average of 4 to 5 hours a day for months now.
Today, it occurred to me how important it is to listen. Listen to what my body tells me, listen to what my heart tells me, listen to what my soul tells me, and listen to what my head tells me.
This is what it is saying:
1 - Work is getting too stressful for you. You need to take a step back from it. You are good at your job but you are not good at it when you are overtired or when your emotional resources are just plain depleted.
2 - You are starting school soon and you need to be prepared for the classes to be more challenging. You probably won't be able to wing it the way you have been the last few semesters. Besides, do you WANT to wing it? Don't you want to learn?
3 - You want to teach your son about web design but haven't had enough time to do it.
4 - You want to try new things and go to plays and other cultural type things that you like on your days off.
5 - You want to read and write a lot more than you get a chance to do.
6 - You want to attend church events more often.
7 - You want a more balanced life.
8 - You are always tired because you are not getting enough sleep. 4 - 5 hours is not enough sleep for you. You have spent most of your life sleeping 10 hours a day. You need to find a happy medium.
So ... the answer is simple. Less work. More sleep.
I have committed to Tuesdays for a friend who I know is taking a class. After that, I am not scheduling any time on my days off.
I will have to hold myself to this. I get greedy is the fact of the matter. But, honestly, I can't tell you how many times I have went and purchased something online WHILE someone was yelling at me just because I was frustrated. Not a good pattern.
Also, I'm aiming for 7 hours of sleep a night.
I have the whole day off tomorrow. Yay!