It has been about 4 months since I have blogged on SP or tracked food and fitness.
During that time, I have occasionally logged in, spun the wheel, read an article, looked up a recipe...but I've mostly been absent, and I have missed SP in my life.
After releasing 40 pounds, I went through a psychoeducational course on Toxic Shame, along with my dear husband. An overwhelming amount of old memories, pain, and emotional confusion came up (naturally!), for both of us. We stuck with the entire 15 weeks of the course, finishing in the beginning of May. We have both changed individually, and as a result, so has our relationship. Some of the change is welcome, some is difficult, and a lot of it still seems confusing.
Like so many Americans, we have seen our dreams and plans derailed over the past approx. 5 years, due to the combination of job loss, health issues, financial collapse, and homelessness. We have been in our "new" apartment for almost a year now, and we still feel a profound sense of loss and "shell shock," I suppose you could call it. We are grieving the loss of youth, physical ability, and time....
I think some of this is "normal" in the aging process. This is a time of evaluating where we've been, what we've accomplished, and how we've grown, thus far. It's a time of letting go of what may never come to pass and what we CAN'T control or change. It is a time of ACCEPTANCE. And wow, am I ever finding these hard to swallow!!
I need to get this out of my head and into this wise forum of SparkFriends. I need your wisdom, courage, encouragement and hope - because I am finding it hard to take the next steps. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of hearing "no, you cannot have ______________."
But I'm also weary of being "stuck," stuck in limbo between survival as a homeless family and moving on, trying to better our situation, now that we are basically stable, in a home, etc.
Tomorrow, I will turn in two Release of Information (ROI) forms to Sr. & Disabled Services (SADS), from my doctors. Then I will make an appointment to meet with SADS. They will determine whether I am disabled and if so, I will be able to get medical/dental/vision/mental health coverage - which I have gone without for over 4 years. I'm hopeful, and I'm scared, to do this. I do believe I qualify for it, and I know I need it. My pain management doctor has been very understanding during my time of struggles, but my balance owed him is getting up there, and my small payments are not making much of a dent.
Without the support of my pain management team, I know my functionality will decrease to a point where I am in excruciating pain and mostly bedridden. So, I know that I MUST follow through with SADS. After that, I will apply for disability with the SSA.
Why have I procrastinated so long on this? Do I imagine my fibromyalgia, arthritis, and degenerative disc disease will just magically fly away one day, and I'll be "normal" again; get a full-time job and move on? Do I feel unworthy of the help? Or am I just afraid to hear "no," again, in my life?
I just have to get this out...it helps me so much! I will check back in after I have made the SADS appointment. Why? Because I know that when I share my life, my joys, and my challenges with you, dear SparkPals, my life has meaning and connection. I KNOW you understand. I KNOW you have "been there," and to me, that's everything.
Thank You So Much for listening, for being here in friendly cyberspace. I am very grateful for all of you!
Much Love & Light,