Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Why is it with emotions that I have to cram the feelings back down with food. I have worked so dang hard at loosing the weight to only fall right back down in the old habits. Guilt, shame, fear.....
I am trying to not beat myself up and start over again but I have no will power right now. Something happened between hubby and I this past weekend that made me feel bad again. Can't make myself exercise and am just stuffing the feelings down with food. I know what to do, I have the tools so why can't I just do them?
Sometimes, I think that it is more comfortable feeling these bad feelings than the good ones that aren't so familiar and scary. Being in the "DRAMA" instead of the LIGHT is so much more comfortable and normal f or me!!! I have been beat down so much during my childhood that when I am going good and happy, or it is nice and calm in my life, something happens to drag me back down. The old me, that broken child.
I am no longer that hurt little girl, I am an adult so why can't I be one? I need to pick myself back up once again and start over with eating right and exercising. Taking care of me. So why is that so hard? What is blocking me? What fear inside me is keeping me from my goals?
This war I have inside right now, this war within myself, good/bad, black/white. There is no good or bad, it just IS...
Just thinking out loud, don't expect anyone to reply. Trying to get this out and get back on track. I need to give myself the same love and respect I do anyone else. IT is so much easier taking care of everyone else and ignoring ME!
Thank you for listening..