Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I've been super down lately; some of that has to with the time of the month and some of it is how aware I am of my emotional eating habits. It's taken 6 months of weight loss for me to realize how much I was using food for emotion - positive or negative - and it's wearing a bit on me.
I'm interrupting myself here to clarify where this train of thought originates from. My mom is going through several "rough patches". She went from losing her job of 35 years to losing her house to a hurricane to losing her son to rehab; the latter not being truly awful, but it's a lot to process. As a result I have become her emotional dumping ground, or as she so fondly refers to it as her daughter-therapist. This is a whole other issue that I'm choosing to omit because her issues are not directly my issues. During our conversation Sunday she expressed the sense of not being happy and not being sad - just being. I can empathize with this lack of feeling and have blogged about it before: the sense of being on autopilot, simply moving, but having no real investment in who you are, what you're doing, or who you're with.
My mother was describing this sensation and I interrupted to help clarify what she was describing. She stopped suddenly and said, "How long did you feel like this? I can't imagine." It was the first time my mother realized how little I respond to things and yet she still couldn't connect to the fact that the woman sitting across from her still feels this way. She doesn't know me and it still doesn't bother me.
Anyway, having recently had this discussion it has brought me back to the emotional reality of nothingness I've experienced all week. I'm still doing everything just with little investment; the good part is it is beginning to frustrate me, which is an emotion and an indicator that I am pulling myself from the funk of autopilot yet again. This has also led me to see the food dependency I had created in not feeling - at least feeling full was a feeling of sorts - and how easy it is to fall back into that pattern. It takes a lot of self-control, which I am so far doing well with. I'm tracking and reading strategies on SP, as well as staying involved in the online community so there hasn't been a binge or a snack attack.
And so I will continue to push myself, to find myself, and a sense of feeling without the refrigerator within myself.