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    ZERO2HERO   18,060
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My Sundown

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

I've been super down lately; some of that has to with the time of the month and some of it is how aware I am of my emotional eating habits. It's taken 6 months of weight loss for me to realize how much I was using food for emotion - positive or negative - and it's wearing a bit on me.

I'm interrupting myself here to clarify where this train of thought originates from. My mom is going through several "rough patches". She went from losing her job of 35 years to losing her house to a hurricane to losing her son to rehab; the latter not being truly awful, but it's a lot to process. As a result I have become her emotional dumping ground, or as she so fondly refers to it as her daughter-therapist. This is a whole other issue that I'm choosing to omit because her issues are not directly my issues. During our conversation Sunday she expressed the sense of not being happy and not being sad - just being. I can empathize with this lack of feeling and have blogged about it before: the sense of being on autopilot, simply moving, but having no real investment in who you are, what you're doing, or who you're with.

My mother was describing this sensation and I interrupted to help clarify what she was describing. She stopped suddenly and said, "How long did you feel like this? I can't imagine." It was the first time my mother realized how little I respond to things and yet she still couldn't connect to the fact that the woman sitting across from her still feels this way. She doesn't know me and it still doesn't bother me.

Anyway, having recently had this discussion it has brought me back to the emotional reality of nothingness I've experienced all week. I'm still doing everything just with little investment; the good part is it is beginning to frustrate me, which is an emotion and an indicator that I am pulling myself from the funk of autopilot yet again. This has also led me to see the food dependency I had created in not feeling - at least feeling full was a feeling of sorts - and how easy it is to fall back into that pattern. It takes a lot of self-control, which I am so far doing well with. I'm tracking and reading strategies on SP, as well as staying involved in the online community so there hasn't been a binge or a snack attack.

And so I will continue to push myself, to find myself, and a sense of feeling without the refrigerator within myself.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATSYB7 6/26/2013 5:56AM

    Keep Sparking! You're on the right track.
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OVERACTIVEELBOW 6/25/2013 4:04PM

    Kudo to you. Your mom is so very lucky to have a daugther who will listen and not judge. I have faith in you. You will figure yourself out and make an even better YOU. It is very hard to learn new HEALTHY habits the other kind don't seem to take much practice at all. I think most everyone here on SparkPeople(is or are?) here to learn and make new Healthy habits the automatic response to food choices. And, learning to control our triggers is an important step.

emoticon emoticon if we emoticon so here are a couple of emoticon emoticon to remind you, YOU are on this journey with a lot of fellow travelers.
Audra

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VERONICAVW_140 6/25/2013 1:00PM

    What a very open and honest post. Thank you for being willing to share this with us here. Food and bulimia were my coping mechanisms. As long as I had that I didn't have to deal emotions. I could shut myself off from being angry, hurt, sad, etc. as long as I had the food and then the purge to take my mind off of things. When I got into recovery emotions hit me hard. I cried a lot all day. For years I had not allowed myself to feel things. I hadn't allowed issues to sink into my thoughts and soul. It was quite a different experience to make myself sit through certain emotions and not turn to food as a deterrent.
I applaud your ability to refrain from depending on food to get your through uncomfortable situations. Way to go.

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