She Beast Confession Time
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I roar a lot.
I jump around and make a lot of noise.
I appear fierce at times.
I love deeply and fight hard for those I love.
I'm a warrior - always have been. If I believe in something or someone, I give my all.
That's why it is so hard for me to keep fighting this battle for a healthier lifestyle and find myself flailing and failing. I have to confess that I feel jealousy for those of you whose journeys have been so much more successful than mine. I rejoice with you, yes. I'm really happy for you - but the jealousy is there. I am not so petty that I think it has been easy for you. I know it hasn't. But that's what is so frustrating...I'm fighting just as hard for much less!
Yes, I have not been exercising as intensely as I want to or as much as I should since I injured my leg in April. It is healing, but so slowly. I AM EXERCISING, though. Seated cardio, some strength training, modified DDP Yoga. I'm not being totally sedentary! Yes, there have been times I've indulged in foods not totally healthy, but 90% of the time (or more) I am on track and within range for weight loss. If 75% or more of weight loss is dependent on what you eat, then I should be losing regularly. Instead, I WEIGH MORE NOW THAN I EVER DID.....and that hurts. A lot.
In the past I've sneered at (in private) those who took the "easy" or "cheaters" way out and opted for weight loss surgery. I swore that would NEVER be me. Then I started reading blogs by people who were about to go through the surgery, had just gone through it, and who were in the midst of their weight loss journey after surgery. I became enlightened to the fact that these folks were working out HARD, just like me. These folks were doing most of the right things, just like me. And just like me, the weight was too much, it was taxing their health - their very lives were draining from them. Just like me, they were having such limited success in their journeys. For my former disdain of you, I sincerely apologize. I'm more enlightened now. I still believe there are some who do use WLS as a crutch or cheat, but I also think they suffer in the end because they just aren't willing to do the hard work necessary, even WITH the surgery. That's the part I didn't understand. It is still HARD WORK to have a healthy body, even with the surgery.
I wrote about the depression I was going through very recently. Part of this is because while I have decided I want to have WLS, our current health insurance company plan will NOT, under any circumstances, pay for it. They do offer a plan that covers it, but as employees (my husband works for this "wonderful" company) this plan is not available to us. I have an appointment to attend a seminar and see a doctor in a few weeks, but unless we can raise the funds (a substantial amount) I don't know how I will find a way to pay for it. As a full time caregiver for an elderly parent, I have no income. As an Avon representative, I break even most months. I have only been doing it for about 4 months now so it will be a while before I can really expect any profits and even then....no, not enough to pay for it. My husband would lasso the moon for me if he could, but his income covers what we need it to cover with very little left over. It's that way for most of us, isn't it?
Then there is the embarrassment. I was very close to being a fraud over this issue. I was working out an elaborate "scheme" as to how if I could have the surgery I could do so without anyone knowing. I was worried that many would be of my prior mindset that it was "cheating" or "easy". My penance for thinking for one minute of deceiving people is to admit to it in this blog. I *am* the She Beast. I *am* fearless. I do NOT cheat, nor do I deceive. I take pride in being very real. I take joy in being a leader, a motivator, and hopefully an inspiration now and then...though not much of one lately.
There you have it. If I can find a way to have WLS, I'm going to go for it. If not, I'm going to keep on keeping on because I never give up and I never give in. Don't you dare give up or give in, either. We are so worth whatever effort it takes to live a long, happy, healthy life. As always, I love you all.
****post script**** After posting this, I had an appointment at my cardiologist to get my test results from two weeks ago. Long story short, I'm having surgery to put in another stent or two or three next week because there is more blockage. I am flipping drowning in my own fat. I do NOT want ANOTHER heart attack. Something has to give! Not giving up...never!