Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I have been putting this off for some time now, not really wanting to admit that I need more than the small groups I am with. They are great and full of challenges but I really think I need a few pals/buddies one on one support and motivation, I CANT do this alone. I need someone that can push but not push to hard, have an understanding personality and is willing to put up with me. I get cranky, depressed, sometimes right down to negativity but I will never give up completely. I keep on trying and trying but this last year has been the worst.
I first made excuses that I was working on my mental well being since I suffer from depression and severe social anxiety and had daily panic attacks along with anger outbursts. I have been in therapy now for 9 months and I am moving right along really well and am learning how to cope with many things however in those same 9 months I have gained 50 lbs and the scale is still climbing. I am in a downward spiral that I cant seem to stop. I have every intention of exercising but I just am having a difficult time finding the motivation that I once had. About May through July of 2011 I completed P90X and was very proud of myself for this accomplishment because I did this also while suffering from Fibromyalgia (I did a lot of modifications and stretched the 90 days out a bit). I was muscle lean and weighed 155 lbs in a size 8 now well lets just say I have to wear my DH's clothes most of the time and I never dress up and weight 215.8 at 5ft tall. I also now suffer from pitting edema that doesnt want to go away no matter what I do, I can control it for a little while but then my skin gets tight and I put on a few more pounds. I know I am also on a list of medications and vitamins/minerals by the DR all to help me feel better and emotionally I do its just physically I cant deal anymore. I dont take pain meds anymore for my fibro instead is controlled by the vitamins/minerals but I am still on mood stabilizers, anti depressants and anti anxiety meds, and sleep medications.
I know I am a challenge and would be grateful to anyone who would like to help me through this I WANT to feel good not only mentally but physically too. My depression is out of wack right now because how can anyone feel good when you cant stand to look at yourself anymore.