Reflections and Realizations
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
When I do lose weight, I lose super slowly ...and I better get used to it. It has discouraged me many times again and again. Why work so hard if nothing changes? Wrong. Something always changes. If it is not the weight, it is my strength, my endurance, the way my clothes fit, or just me knowing how hard I am working and taking pride in it. Yup, it took me a while to start appreciating my NSVs, no matter how small they are.
I have been off track for a while now. Since mid February to be exact. Ouch. Another four months wasted during which I could have lost weight. Even if it had been just one pound a month. That would have been four pounds lost. Instead, I gained weight. Go figure. No exercise at all... I ate reasonably, but that is not enough for me to prevent weight gain and far from weight loss.
It started with me catching a nasty cold which knocked me out for about a week. Well, that is all that it took. It has never taken much for me to get off track and I need to find a way to get myself back on track once I am off. One thing after another kept me from jumping back into gear. After I recovered from my cold, I worked way too much, then we moved, and during all this time I have been suffering from an increasing number of migraine attacks. Let me be clear. I am not listing excuses. I am identifying obstacles. Obstacles I could have - and should have overcome. Did I have to overwork myself? No. Yes, I had a higher than usual workload, but I could have cut back on other things in my free time in order to exercise. Did I have to let a move get in the way of exercising? No. Same as with the workload. All about time management. Does a migraine knock me out for a whole day, or a couple of days in a row? Yes. But there is no reason why I could not pick myself up and exercise once the migraine is gone.
My 27th birthday was 12 days ago. This leaves me two years (minus 12 days as of today) to reach my goal weight (mid-range of healthy BMI). On my birthday, I signed up for the 5K Your Way program here on Spark People (similar to C25K) and did the first training session that day on the treadmill. I surprised myself and did better than expected. The following day, I did a 30-minue circuit training (DVD). I was proud of myself that day. I had worked out two days in a row. And since then? Nothing. Well, almost nothing. I skipped the elevator and took the stairs at work (4th floor) almost all month now. My husband got me a camelbak type backpack for my birthday which has been on my wishlist for a while now. I enjoy hiking and this backpack does not only have a 2-liter water bladder, but features a mesh construction which allows for ventilation of the back. Well, now I need to use it, that is get my butt out and go for a walk or hike.
A year ago, I walked regularly. On Saturdays I trained with my local Spark Team for a half marathon and throughout the week I met up with a neighbor to walk in the neighborhood. We did walk our half marathon in January this year, but I walked less and less often on Saturdays ever since. Also, my walking buddy moved earlier this year, so now I am on my own. There have been a few times I was able to push myself to walk on my own, but not anymore. I was all hyped up and ready to go on my birthday. What happened? Why did I quit once more after working out just for two days? Right, I had a migraine. OK. I will cut myself some slack for that. But why did I not restart? I have not found that answer yet and I probably should just do it. Just exercise. I could have worked out just now instead of writing this blog. To be honest, I hope that writing this down and sharing it will help me find my way back to exercising more regularly. Maybe I just need to "put it out there". I am a very private person and it takes a lot for me to share this. Admitting my failures, reaching out...
I learned that I need to set smaller goals and that these goals should not have deadlines. I did not meet my goal for the zip-lining I wrote about in February/March. I could have reached it had I only kept working out. However, once I got off track I started telling myself that I would not reach the goal anyway and the closer the deadline came the more it intimidated me, the more I felt like a failure, the less I worked out. Maybe that is why I stopped after two days. Maybe. I do not know. I know I am not a failure. I walked a half marathon, something I never thought I would accomplish. I just have a hard time not feeling this way whenever I do not reach a specific goal within a specific time frame. I will take some time to define new goals. Baby step goals. I will not tie these goals to deadlines. I will, however, do my best to reach them. This means I need to stay on track. Exercise EVERY DAY. Even if it is just 10 minutes. Baby steps. I need to do this. I am fat, but fairly healthy considering. I do not have knee problems (yet). I am not diabetic (yet). My blood pressure/levels are (still) in a healthy range. The question is how much longer? I am morbidly obese and have been for at least five years. Eventually it will catch up and I will not let it! ...note to self: There we go. You just woke up before it was too late. Guess how many people wish they had? You better work out and stick to it from now on.