Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I am a classic yo-yo dieter, with a weight that has ranged from an ideal 145 pounds as a freshman in college to 270 pounds as a stressed out student 11 years later. I crash dieted in 1995 down to 150 pounds (for about 10 minutes), back up to 235 pounds by 2008, and down to 175 – 195 to run/walk a marathon in 2009, and up to 230 on January 1, 2012. Last year, starting on January 1st, 2012, I kept to 1500 calories and 10,000 steps a day for six months and got down to 176 pounds by June. Then my husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in Italy.
I loved Italy, and I loved not feeling out-of-place with my body. So I lived well, eating some of the world’s finest food and enjoying the delights of fermented beverages. I came home with my head re-wired for enjoying life and an addiction to risotto and limoncello. Since then, I’ve not had the motivation to consistently calorie count or exercise.
Over the last year, it's literally been a rollercoaster of drill-sergeant style dieting that lasts maybe as long as a week, followed by “I’m too tired/stressed/cranky/you-name
-it” unfettered eating and drinking that lasts even longer. Each time I start to diet, some social occasion – a birthday, a visit to my parents, unexpected good news, unexpected bad news, etc. seems to be reason enough to ditch it. As a result, I’ve put on 30 of the pounds I worked so hard to lose in 2012 over these last 12 months.
My challenge seems to be one of motivation. Sure, I don’t look the way I want to, but right now, I don’t look “that” bad. Having weighed a lot more in the past, I know that my husband won’t leave me, my cat will still adore me, and I am secure enough in my job to not be worried about looking sharp for any job interviews any time soon. My health seems reasonable (except for this pre-menopausal stuff), and…well…why not have a little chocolate at night? With some ice cream??
I have a trainer I meet with about once a month who is frustrated with my lack of progress. He’s been as nice as he can be with me, but last month, he flat out told me that if I didn’t make some progress soon, he wouldn’t recommend that I train with him anymore. That’s a new low for me – not even being able to pay someone to work out with me! So I worked out hard for a week and a half at the start of June, and then…had house guests for over a week, and yes, ate with abandon once again.
So I’ll meet with my trainer this weekend and don’t know what to tell him. I’m trying to figure out better goals than just wanting to look good for dieting and exercising while coming up with better coping mechanisms for too many responsibilities at work and too little sleep. I’m putting in a lot of overtime at work right now, and am beginning to question whether it is worth it.
One of the activities I like doing is jogging, and have kept at it enough to be able to jog 30 minutes without stopping. I am playing around with the thought of run/walking a marathon in 2014 as my own quiet protest against those terrorists who want to make us afraid to be free in our own country. I still feel like crying each time I think about what happened to those poor people at the Boston marathon whose only “sin” was to come out and watch the runners.
I forget at times how lucky I am to live in the United States, and that there are countries where, because I am a woman, I’d be severely punished for if I dared to put on shorts and ran a lap at the neighborhood park.
My life is good, thin or fat.