Monday, June 24, 2013
I'm writing this to hold myself accountable. I am writing this and sharing it with the world so that I can't hide and lie to myself and tell myself that what I am doing is okay. Because it is NOT okay. The occasional treat, or day of overeating is okay. Four days of binging straight, starting on the very night of my one year Sparkversary is NOT.
I can't even begin to list all that I ate. I consumed thousands of calories, several thousand. I ate until I felt ill, and then I ate some more. I ate cookies and nuts and ice cream and chips. I ate chili cheese fries and hamburgers and philly cheese steak sandwiches. I ate too much fruit with too much whipped cream, Pop Tarts, and litres of Diet Coke. I was transformed into a junk food monster. And today I feel like a bloated mountain of upset stomach, gas and water retention. Today I feel, look and AM gross.
I have no excuses or reasons. After Thursday night, I wasn't even eating for pleasure any more. I was just eating for the sake of eating. It was a compulsion and I could not stop. I could not get enough. I was not particularly depressed or stressed or bored. I don't know what was wrong with me. I just had to shove pounds of food into my mouth.
This morning I woke up and I felt physically and spiritually terrible. I gathered up all the remnants and leftovers of junk food and through them in the trash. My room looked like it had been ravaged by a junk food cyclone. I am so ashamed of and angry at myself. After all I have done, how hard I have worked, how could I so blatantly sabotage myself? I still have not overcome my self-destructive tendencies. This is not a good omen for the beginning of my second year of living "healthier". Ha! What a joke.
So today, I am trying to start again. For what feels like the millionth time... *sigh*
(And even feeling like this, I still have to admit I find the chubby, overfed emoticon totally adorable!)