Monday, June 24, 2013
I woke up this morning feeling toxic and defeated. Last week I stopped a 60 day juice fast (I stopped it on day 12) after reading some of the Spark Solution book. I realized that while I was losing weight and feeling great on the juice...I was not learning how to eat healthy for a sustainable weight loss...I couldn't juice for the rest of my life could I? So, I stopped the fast and..........I hate writing this........I binged all weekend...because I knew that today, Monday, I would begin the two week Spark Solution challenge. I didn't intend on eating everything in site. But it just fell into place with all the other bad habits that I have not worked on ......watching a marathon of '24' from netflix all through the night....thinking that once Monday came I was going to have to start 'dieting' for the rest of my life....I didn't exercise this weekend because we had company..and the list goes on. So here I am...11:20 am, just now dragging myself out of bed..I haven't made my first meal yet, or checked in with my team that begins this new journey today. So far I haven't blown anything, except my attitude...I am at my lowest..I woke up feeling defeated, I hate who I am, I hate what I did to myself, I hate that I gained 6 lbs since I went off the juice fast last week. I don't know how I am going to gather the strength to do this challenge. I hate that I am even writing this for anyone else to see. I know it is my fault. I know I should have spent the weekend preparing for this. I did go shopping..my cupboards have most of what I need to do this. The day isn't over, so I can still fit in all that is required of me to do this challenge...but, as usual I have sabotaged myself and I haven't even begun.
I feel like Dr Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. There is the part that believes...that healing is possible for every person out there and I am an avid cheerleader who really wants them to succeed...and know they deserve it and can do it. And then there's the part of me that seems to go to great lengths to drag my own personhood down and keep her there. What is wrong with me????
Well, time to get off my pity train and begin today. I know, I know...just one step at a time. Isn't it funny...that we all seem to know the language of weight loss..."one step at a time" ..."you can do it"...and believe IN IT, but do we believe IT? Do I believe IT for me??? Will I find hope in it? Will I wholeheartedly embrace these spark solutions with a knowing that it truly is the blueprint for healthy living and that by believing in it so as to embrace it, adopt it as my life's habits that I can also embrace the hope that it offers. Do I have it in me to hope any more?
As you can see I am in a dark place. BUT..I will end this blog..this gut wrenching, embarrassing but honest look into my 1st day of Spark Solution challenge. I will follow the rules...in hopes of rising from the ashes...again.