Sunday, June 23, 2013
So I've come to the conclusion that I haven't been writing much lately because through out any given day I go through so many thoughts and emotions that even I can't keep track of them all.
After reading a blog of another member I started to think about the phases of emotions that I go through and I told them that I don't track them nor necessarily understand the pattern of them. Through out the day we encounter soo many different things that can affect who we are and how we see the world. So I started thinking about some of the things that I come across on a daily basis that effect the way I may feel. I can wake up feeling on top of the world but by the time the sun goes down that can be a totally different story. Some people are more suseptaable than others, and I guess I am one of them.
I woke up this morning feeling tired, I was wide awake but still tired none the less. Now I'm feeling drained. Some of the highlights to my mood and emotional exhaustion?
Well first things first I was doing some Navy studying which in of itself is exhausting and overwhelming. It's foriegn everything and I have to do soo much background research to learn what it is that I need to learn. After that I moved on to a book. In 12 hrs I managed to page through an entire book start to finish, now I don't know how many pages it was because I was reading it in the kindle app but still. It of course went through all kinds of emotions that some of you who also read understand that you as the reader go through them as well.
One of the other events of the day.... So most of you know the back story of my ex.... of course he is involved in this, how could he not be? So DBF went to a concert last night, no big deal, knew he would be drinking... Never recieved a single text from him which again not a big deal. Until I got the text message around noon saying "I'm sorry left the phone in the car all night" now this wouldn't bother a normal person, but after everything from my ex, almost immediatly my brain went 100 miles/hr wondering why he wouldn't have grabbed it. He's glued to it most of the time.. Then I found out he drank soo much that he couldn't remember most of the night. I honestly don't believe he cheated, in fact it really bothers me that my mind went there in the first place. It's irritating. How long will it take before I can trust without my mind going there?
It made me think of the first time my ex's cheating was brought to my attention. I was a junior in Highschool we had been dating about 6 mo and I was in gymnastics, I was just getting ready to compete on bars and one of his close friends who was also on the team told me he had slept with one of her friends at a party the previous week. Appropriatly so, he denied the whole thing. So 5 1/2 yrs it was always in the back of my mind that he was cheating.
All that in one day. I was mad at him today(my ex) that he still had the power to influence me. It made me mad that I could think that of a man who loves me more than I could ever imagine.
It brings me to the point of this blog, that as quickly as the emotion of anger came on it left almost as fast along with the other emotions that have come through out the day seamlessle flowing in and out as if they were water or a cameleon changing colors. Naturally and involuntary...