20,000-24,999 SparkPoints 20,387

6/23/13: I feel like a failure.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

It's been quite a while since I've been active on here.

My life has been a little bit crazy. When I got to 120 lbs, I wanted to start gaining strength and I struggled with eating enough, and then I don't even know what happened. I moved out of my apartment with my sister when things got too bad. I had signed a new lease with a good friend of mine (Rachel) but wasn't going to move in until May and one day, I was registering for fall term classes and had to go back to the apartment with my sister and long story short, she ended up yelling at me and saying some things I just can't repeat, and Rob got one of his friends and we moved me into the new place that night.

Rachel, the new roommate, doesn't have the greatest eating habits (though they are delicious habits), and in addition to picking that up a bit with olive pizza, I stopped working out because I had so much other stuff to do.

After the term ended, I went home and almost instantly I was faced with the loss of one of my grandmas. This fueled a 3-day binge (yes I do mean binge), as not only was a faced with a death of family but I had to deal with having a lot of people in my space during the time (my dad's side of the family).

I spent a few weeks being very healthy after that, and I was back down to 123 lbs and generally feeling great. I didn't binge at all.

Then I went to my boyfriend's for 5 days. I thought, this is a vacation! I ate like it was vacation, and I was fine with gaining some weight, especially when we went out to the Melting Pot. But when I came back home, something happened- and I have spent the past four days more stuffing my face with food for absolutely no reason. It's been cold (yesterday I made a smoothie and could not get warm after drinking it; I was shivering, my skin turned more purple; I had to take a shower and stand by a fire to get warm again).

This morning I decided I had enough. I weighed myself. And honestly I was very disturbed.
I thought I was done with ever seeing a "13" to start my weight.

I weighed in at exactly 130.0 and I just feel like I've failed myself.

So I'm here now because SP has been the only place I've ever felt a true sense of community for losing weight and getting healthy. I've tried other places (like the fitblr community of tumblr), but this is the only place where I know that almost always there is somebody who will come and stop by and read my blog posts or give me encouraging words.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Its hard to do but try not to be so hard on yourself. You are making great progress at recognizing that changes must be implemented at 130lbs ...that is a 7-10lb window. I wish I had stopped myself when I was in that window but it took me gaining 25lbs before I really was like, wow, nothing fits, and I feel like uck and look at how I wasted all that hard work getting down to 145 and then bouncing back up to 170. And now I'm really feeling like I cannot get past 164.5....the scale JUST sits there! The older I get the harder its getting for me!!!

    Keep pushing, Keep positing, and don't forget to LOVE yourself!
    1702 days ago
  • SKATER787
    Not bad. You caught yourself in time. The number is workable.
    1702 days ago
  • KONRAD695
    Let me start with I'm sorry life has been bummer. It's never nice to go from one crap situation to another.
    So, my condolences on your grandmother, hope you are feeling a little less sad today than you did yesterday.
    Feel bad, but not too bad, about the split with your sister. I remember some previous posts with a lot of your trials in that living arrangement.

    Onto today. There is no way you can be a failure. "You were just checking your upper boundaries". Doesn't that sound better? I know how you feel, I'm coming out of it right now, AGAIN. I just keep telling myself that the "failure type" is the person who doesn't see the bad example they are showing themselves. We see it, and that's why we're here. It might take us 27 years, with ups and downs, but we will figure it out.

    emoticon emoticon
    1703 days ago
    Start today. Welcome back. You can do it!
    1703 days ago
    Food is your crutch--but it is not a friendly one. Have you tried getting your roommate to join you in changing your life to one that is healthier? I would like to suggest that the next time you go shopping you buy only those things that will add to your health--like nuts, fruits, etc. So, when you are ready to binge you will be eating healthily. emoticon emoticon

    Always wanting the best for you!

    1703 days ago
    emoticon Just get back to basics and don't let it get ahead of you! emoticon
    1703 days ago
    Hang in there!! You have done it before and I know you can be successful again!! You've got some great tools at your fingertips. You can do this!!!!
    1703 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.