6/23/13: I feel like a failure.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
It's been quite a while since I've been active on here.
My life has been a little bit crazy. When I got to 120 lbs, I wanted to start gaining strength and I struggled with eating enough, and then I don't even know what happened. I moved out of my apartment with my sister when things got too bad. I had signed a new lease with a good friend of mine (Rachel) but wasn't going to move in until May and one day, I was registering for fall term classes and had to go back to the apartment with my sister and long story short, she ended up yelling at me and saying some things I just can't repeat, and Rob got one of his friends and we moved me into the new place that night.
Rachel, the new roommate, doesn't have the greatest eating habits (though they are delicious habits), and in addition to picking that up a bit with olive pizza, I stopped working out because I had so much other stuff to do.
After the term ended, I went home and almost instantly I was faced with the loss of one of my grandmas. This fueled a 3-day binge (yes I do mean binge), as not only was a faced with a death of family but I had to deal with having a lot of people in my space during the time (my dad's side of the family).
I spent a few weeks being very healthy after that, and I was back down to 123 lbs and generally feeling great. I didn't binge at all.
Then I went to my boyfriend's for 5 days. I thought, this is a vacation! I ate like it was vacation, and I was fine with gaining some weight, especially when we went out to the Melting Pot. But when I came back home, something happened- and I have spent the past four days more stuffing my face with food for absolutely no reason. It's been cold (yesterday I made a smoothie and could not get warm after drinking it; I was shivering, my skin turned more purple; I had to take a shower and stand by a fire to get warm again).
This morning I decided I had enough. I weighed myself. And honestly I was very disturbed.
I thought I was done with ever seeing a "13" to start my weight.
I weighed in at exactly 130.0 and I just feel like I've failed myself.
So I'm here now because SP has been the only place I've ever felt a true sense of community for losing weight and getting healthy. I've tried other places (like the fitblr community of tumblr), but this is the only place where I know that almost always there is somebody who will come and stop by and read my blog posts or give me encouraging words.