Depression, Suicide, Rainbows, Happiness

Sunday, June 23, 2013


I joined spark people May of 2009. My intentions were very good and I did make several good attempts. I would lose a little then gain it all back. This is pretty much what I have been doing for the last 30+ years. I even made it to goal two separate times....Then gained it all back.

I have dealt with depression and suicide ideation for years. Many of us who have struggled with weight deal with this overwhelming sadness.

I finally found a therapist who understood me. I began to understand how my weight was related to child hood abuse. As I began to work through my abandonment issues and acknowledged feelings that I had been trying to suppress my entire life I began to feel better. I no longer wanted to kill myself. But I still was overweight. The highest that I have ever been. But I felt good. I was happy. I never ever thought I would be truly truly down to the core of my being happy. I spent some time trying to lose weight by listening to what my body wanted to eat. I didn't lose. I felt better about my eating habits but I couldn't lose.

Then, I decided to stay off of the scale.
I thought if I didn't think of my weight every day and simply tried to choose healthy I would eventually lose.

I didn't.

I began to walk. I began very slowly. At first just to the corner. Then past a few more houses. Then all the way around the block. Walking made me feel good inside. Finally I felt like my body and my mind was becoming connected. I know that sounds pretty corny but that is exactly how I feel when walking. I increased my walk distance, picked up the speed over time and soon walked more than once a day. Finally I was ready to lose weight. I joined a support group named TOPS (take off pounds sensibly) this April. I began weighing in each week. In the last 2 months I have lost 6 lbs. It doesn't sound like much, I've certainly lost more quicker in the past, but......I finally feel like I am doing this. I finally can see myself in the future. Healthy and Happy. I can see myself slowly getting in shape. It has been a journey. I realize that I am in the beginning stages of weight loss. But I truly feel like the most important things have already happened.
I am at peace with my past.
I love myself unconditionally.
I have found support.
I have spark tools to help me keep track of calories and nutrients daily.
I love to walk.
I love to do DIY water aerobics.
I love myself.
I have years and years of experience in what not to do for sustained weight loss. I am an expert!
I know that my body and my mind and my spirit are all connected.

For anyone who may be depressed, discouraged or overwhelmed. Please seek mental health help from an experienced professional. You do not need to feel sad. You are a wonderful person. I have faith that you too will find the pathway that will help you reach the goals you want. But, more importantly I know that you can be HAPPY! If you haven't seen the rainbow yet and still feel like you are under a little black rain cloud. Seek help. There is a beautiful rainbow and a bright sunny day waiting just for you.

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