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Depression, Suicide, Rainbows, Happiness

Sunday, June 23, 2013


I joined spark people May of 2009. My intentions were very good and I did make several good attempts. I would lose a little then gain it all back. This is pretty much what I have been doing for the last 30+ years. I even made it to goal two separate times....Then gained it all back.

I have dealt with depression and suicide ideation for years. Many of us who have struggled with weight deal with this overwhelming sadness.

I finally found a therapist who understood me. I began to understand how my weight was related to child hood abuse. As I began to work through my abandonment issues and acknowledged feelings that I had been trying to suppress my entire life I began to feel better. I no longer wanted to kill myself. But I still was overweight. The highest that I have ever been. But I felt good. I was happy. I never ever thought I would be truly truly down to the core of my being happy. I spent some time trying to lose weight by listening to what my body wanted to eat. I didn't lose. I felt better about my eating habits but I couldn't lose.

Then, I decided to stay off of the scale.
I thought if I didn't think of my weight every day and simply tried to choose healthy I would eventually lose.

I didn't.

I began to walk. I began very slowly. At first just to the corner. Then past a few more houses. Then all the way around the block. Walking made me feel good inside. Finally I felt like my body and my mind was becoming connected. I know that sounds pretty corny but that is exactly how I feel when walking. I increased my walk distance, picked up the speed over time and soon walked more than once a day. Finally I was ready to lose weight. I joined a support group named TOPS (take off pounds sensibly) this April. I began weighing in each week. In the last 2 months I have lost 6 lbs. It doesn't sound like much, I've certainly lost more quicker in the past, but......I finally feel like I am doing this. I finally can see myself in the future. Healthy and Happy. I can see myself slowly getting in shape. It has been a journey. I realize that I am in the beginning stages of weight loss. But I truly feel like the most important things have already happened.
I am at peace with my past.
I love myself unconditionally.
I have found support.
I have spark tools to help me keep track of calories and nutrients daily.
I love to walk.
I love to do DIY water aerobics.
I love myself.
I have years and years of experience in what not to do for sustained weight loss. I am an expert!
I know that my body and my mind and my spirit are all connected.

For anyone who may be depressed, discouraged or overwhelmed. Please seek mental health help from an experienced professional. You do not need to feel sad. You are a wonderful person. I have faith that you too will find the pathway that will help you reach the goals you want. But, more importantly I know that you can be HAPPY! If you haven't seen the rainbow yet and still feel like you are under a little black rain cloud. Seek help. There is a beautiful rainbow and a bright sunny day waiting just for you.


Member Comments About This Blog Post:
IMAVISION 7/3/2013 2:33PM

    It is not often that I click on the "I liked this Blog" button; however, after reading your Blog about your journey to date, I was so impressed that button just had to be clicked on!

Your sharing is sure to encourage others who deal with the same overwhelming feelings & concerns as you faced & so successful worked in overcoming them.

God bless you & keep you safely under His wing of provision & protection!

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ELSCO55 6/30/2013 10:52PM


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BYEFATNANNY 6/24/2013 11:43AM

    That is amazing progress and a good reminder to the rest of us. Thank you for sharing. emoticon

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PAMATX 6/24/2013 9:55AM

    I understand. Walking/jogging for me is the best antidepressant available. I'm so moved by your story. We're gonna walk and don't look back.


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ROCKLAND2010 6/24/2013 8:39AM

    Thank you for sharing with us. You have a great positive attitude to help you meet your goals.

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TERRY0217 6/24/2013 6:44AM

    I'm so happy you found someone who you can relate to...The past can torture you, I'm so happy you found a way to make your life a positive one !
emoticon emoticon

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ETLNOW 6/24/2013 5:20AM

    Thank you for writing from your heart. Reading that you rediscovered happiness is the great reminder that everything is possible. Great post!

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ANGYAS 6/24/2013 3:02AM

    emoticon emoticon
I`m so happy for you. emoticon

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BARCLE 6/24/2013 3:01AM


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MEDDYPEDDY 6/24/2013 1:10AM

    Such a good message! I can identify with all you write except from the part of finally losing weight emoticon ...but I am very happy for you and hope you have achieved the balance you need!

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FITANDFIFTY2 6/24/2013 12:35AM

    I am happy for you!! Hugs and Congratulations on the positive changes!! It was a wonderful blog, that a lot of us can understand!! Thank you for sharing!

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JANTWO 6/24/2013 12:32AM

    I am so happy that you have found happiness!!!! emoticon

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CAROLJEAN64 6/23/2013 11:42PM

    I am so glad to hear how successful therapy was and is for you. I had similar experiences. A good therapist, to me, are angels in disguise.

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MERRYMARY42 6/23/2013 9:21PM

    walking is my main exercise, it is not only good for the body, health wise, it is also good for my soul, I get rid of all my stress, and just get out there and enjoy, so good for you, keep it up, and believe in yourself

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SPEEDY143 6/23/2013 7:59PM

    emoticon beautiful... just like YOU emoticon

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IFDEEVARUNS2 6/23/2013 7:57PM

    So glad your head is where it needs to be. Enjoy your walking, and welcome to the rest of your wonderful life!

Congrats on the weight loss - success is addictive, isn't it?

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HEALTHYNCGAL 6/23/2013 7:18PM

    I'm so happy for you that you are becoming at peace and are feeling like you can take charge of your life. So much of what you said hit home with me on a personal level. I see lots of similiarities between us, even just from this one post. It's comforting knowing someone out there feels like I do about certain things. It's very reassuring. Best of luck to you! :)

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ZZYYGGY3 6/23/2013 6:38PM

    you can do it.

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61INCHGAL 6/23/2013 5:30PM

    This is one of the most helpful and best blogs I have ever read.

I do not know you, yet I am terribly proud of you and very very happy for you.

Well done.

Vickie emoticon

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SAINTBERNARD6 6/23/2013 5:15PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MALAMI518 6/23/2013 5:02PM

    I know that I don't know you, but I am so happy that you finally found help and now realize that you are a wonderful person and that life is worth living.

Congratulations also on your weight loss!

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Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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