Saturday, June 22, 2013
I don't really have a reference to what "normal weight" is for me. I had my daughter at a very young age and gained a bunch of weight. I lost that in time to have my son. I think I had just about lost that weight when, about 11 or 12 years ago, I gained 50 pounds in six months for no apparent reason. Of course I wasn't eating healthy and I wasn't exercising, but that wasn't new - nothing had changed. Over the next five years or so, I crept up to about 230-240. I got down to about 208 for my wedding in July of 2011, but not in any healthy way, so I quickly regained what I had lost. I seem to have started entering perimenopause during the last six months or so, and have added about 10 more pounds right around my belly. So here I am.
This week I was at nearly my highest weight ever (just under 250) and I've had it with being so unhealthy. I find myself with almost nothing that fits, and no desire to buy larger sizes. I've also started to dread and even avoid social situations because I'm so uncomfortable and don't want to be seen. I've always felt fat (sadly, even when I weighed 140 pounds), but now it's affecting the way I live my life on a daily basis. It's also permeating my thoughts, 24 hours a day, and really making it difficult to stay positive.
I also have suffered from depression most of my life. I think I'm finally dragging myself out of the latest abyss, but I'm currently taking things a day at a time. My husband is amazingly supportive, but I think the accountability of SparkPeople will help me make the long-term changes I need.
I quit smoking back in February which, to date, is the most difficult thing I've ever done. (I was a pack-a-day smoker for more than 25 years!) I plan to approach getting healthy in the same way that I quit: baby steps, one day at a time, sometimes one hour or one minute at a time, if necessary. When I first quit, I put Xs on the calendar so I could see my progress. Soon I started to forget to mark the days. Now, I have to look at a calendar and think about how long it's been.
If I can quit smoking, then I should be able to reach any goal I set for myself. I plan to exercise at least 10 minutes a day and eat cleaner. That's it for now. I'm in terrible physical shape, so just 10 minutes is an accomplishment for me right now. I'll increase that goal as I progress. I'm not too worried about my calorie intake. I figure just adding vegetables and limiting processed foods will go a long way to start. I've set a goal weight of 150, but we'll see what things look like when I get closer. I think I'll find my "ideal weight" when I get there.
I look forward to coming back to this blog entry often to see how I'm doing, physically and mentally. Maybe sometimes it will remind me how much progress I've made. Maybe some days I'll need to remind myself that even small things count and occasional slips are to be expected. I hope it will always remind me of where I was and not where I am, because I don't plan to ever be "here" again.
So here I go.