Saturday, June 22, 2013
Oh and by the way I am a Christian! And yes I did start out naming my blog like that. Beimg a Christian does not mean that we never get mad, that we never get hurt or angry or loose our temper to the point that in the heat of thing we just might shoot our husbands! Yes that is right you heard right, but we do jot because we also have a voice of reason also telling us at the same time to slow down step back thst one, murder is never worth the cost (I know in the heat of the moment you really thinkmit might be but it never is,) two, things look better after you have called down, whether he pulls his head out of that dark smelly place is upon him, but you have a choice to take the high road! So as a woman we should do this every chance we get, besides it drives them crazy wondering why we are not as upset as they are over the disagreement! Men are never satsified about anything unless they are at the center of attention, well I should say most men, I will not lump all men into the same category as there are some that do breaknthe rulesnand are different. This weekend my husband and I fought over his drinking, now this is not having a one or two beers a few nights a week. This is drinking anywhere from at least 6 - 12 (more on weekends) a night from 5 - 10 pm at night. If he was a happy drunk I probably could have stood it, lived with an alcoholic father for years, my dad did not make our lives miserable, he was just not around, it was what my mother putnus through because my dad did not want to come home. She would put my sisiter, who was 2 1/2 years younger than me in our car around 1:30 am at night (yes even on school nights) and drive all over town to bars looking for my dad. As far as I know she never found him on her forays. Then there were the fights, most of the times these were after they both had been drinking. My sister was scared to sleep in her own room, so she slept with me in my twin bed, good thing we were both skinny! They would wake us up fighting, we could hear things being thrown and hear them cussing at each other, my sister would be cryind and I would try and console her telling her everything was going to be okay, I was about 8 when this started to get really bad. I would hold her and tell her jot to worry, I was more of a parent than my parents were to her. Then my mom would come in and yell atbus to get dressed that we were leaving. Not two minutes later my dad would come back in and tellnus not to get out of bed that we were not going anywhere then the fighting would start up again and my sistrr would start to cry harder. I would just tell her we were stying home and comforter her the best way a kid could and try to get her to go to sleep. I grew up quick. My parents divorced when I was 12, we had very little food, no new clothing because my mom had dropped out of college because she did not take it seriously, and wanted to just get married, so we had no money, kids made fun of my hair, my clothes, everythimg. I was alrwady an introvert that just drove me in deeper. It took me a ling time to come out of my shell. I protected my sister from as much as I could during allnof that, I protected her a lot growing up, probably too much, but she is like a child I raised I can say that now looking back, took me a lomg while to understand that. I also probably would not be against alcohol so much if not for my mother, she made me hate the idea, my fathernis a happy alcoholic, high functioning drunk, he actually is better to be around drunk than sobor. Not many people I know that I could say that about,. My dadnis very quiet when he does not drink, he is very much like my daughter, but aftrr a few beers he opens up and talks. He never gets mad, he never is argumentative, he is sociable, lovable and nice. Most people are not like that. Now here comes the crux of my story, my husband who started drinking about two years ago. Before then he was in agreement with me that it must bea sad ssituation that someone is living in that they have to drink everyday to get through their life. That was when we were first together back in 2002/3, our second/third year together. So now these last two years knowing that something is seriously wrong for him to drink up to or more than a 12 pack of beer every night is a sure indication that there is a problem. I have tried asking and I get a no everythimg is fine, I hint about the drinking and I get excuses. Last night I finally laid it out for him, told him the truth that I never wanted to marry my father, plus he was scaring me, when he drinks he gets argumentative and he is stsrting to get tomthe point of geting physical, I have been able to keep things under control but I am afraid of what will happen when I can not. I brought that I knew that we had problems and before we moved I felt like we should work these things out, that I knew he was not happy, I was not happy. Then I got attacked verbally which I tried to counter, then brought up my points but did not have specifics becauseni never have them, I do jot operate on remembering specifics that is his thing and he has a mind like an elephant, I brought up how much I have changed for him over the last 5 years and that has not made him happy, did everything he wanted but he still is not happy, nor sure what else he could want me to do, I am at his beck and call, no friends, no life, stuck inside this house just the way he wanted, but he still is not happy. I made all these changes as I told him but he has yet to make any changes when it comes to my son or his son when I sugest thimgs. That is when he threw up an affair I almost had 5 years ago. Our marriage has not been right since 2003, mostly becuase of him, he would call me at work 10 to 12 times, I got reprimanded because he called me so often and when I got home and told him about it he got mad at me because he was embarrassed about it, I did not get an appology I just got an earful about how aweful he felt and how embarrassed he would be next time he would be if he ever had to show his face over there, no remorse for what I had to go through or the embarrassment thst I experienced. Just his ego and feelings. That is how it always is, him, him, him. I have gotten to the point I can not say anything in public because I get jumled on or criticized because I embarrass him, even though we will never see those people again, not sure wht I have said or why it will matter but that is the way it is, of course the shoes never fits on the other foot.nwonder why? He got mad today when we talked about phone calls because if I miss his call and it is after lunch I will not call him back at work. I was raised in a family business where you did not make personal phone calls, you set the example for the other employees, and if you did make a personal phone call it had better be short and to the point, it was like that at every place I work and I still believe that to be true. Thursday night though he through something in my face that was suppose to stay burried but apparently not because it will never be forgotten or forgiven nommatter how much I have changed and regardlessnof the fact that I physically did not cheat on my husband. His first wife did, not that he will admitt to it but after him telling me everything it was there, no woman carries a picture of another guy in her wallet if she is not, then there was the doctor she was working for that all of a sudden they had to work evening shifts alongnwithnher day shifts, then there was the cop over where her prents live, that one was actually seen by more than one person close tomhis family so I am sure that one was true. I was informed that he divorced her because she was a bitch (please excuse my language) but he stayed with me even though I cheated on him so that should say something. Even though we never had sex. I should be greatful that he stayed with me, even though I gave up every friend, acquaintance I had, told him I would never have another male friend just to make him happy. So were does that leave me years later? Right where he wants me, alone and dependent on him. Man am I dumb or what. I actually lost my cool at this point, through my watch on the floor (it was in my hand -broke the crystal- and stormed into the bedroom- of course he had to follow me, where I proceeded to yell atbhimand try and push him out, then he thought I was going to hit him - his first wife did- the guy is 5'11 I am 5'6, never hit anyone except to paddle my kids when they were little- after I was dresed and ready to leave I told him that I would never hit him, had never jit him and did jot plan to start, then he tries to back peddle and say that he did not say that, then I informed him I was leaving and did jot want to hear from him or anyone else while inwas gone and left- I had a nice time out a a girl friends home) Well that is why I am making all these changes in my self, for me no one else, because trying to please him got me no where, so now i am going to do what I need to do to get myself healthy and whole, work on my body and mind. Not sure if there will be an us in the future but I can honestly say I gave it a heck of a try, a lot better than he did. It is sad because I do not want anyone else but I also know this relationship is toxic in the form it is right now and unless he changes drastically then I need to not be here, and to say that for a Christian is very very hard to do. I also worry because I am very afraid he will not give me up, he has made statements like that before but I am hoping that it was just all bull talking and that he was not serious. That if this truly was not working out that he would let me go.