Saturday, June 22, 2013
I'm tired of not being the person I want to be. I never thought I would be at this low of a point in my light. The only thing that I can truly say that makes it bearable is my daughter. She is amazing- a beacon of hope. I need to get back to the right path. But it is SO hard.
I've never had a good relationship with food- ever. My home life when I was young was better than so many, but lacked some fundamental things- namely affection and time from my mother. I have only ever said that to my husband and he mostly just acts like I'm being dramatic when I say I was hurt by it. Since she was never there (and seemed like she just wanted me to go away when she was), she always thrust food on me when I said I was bored or lonely or anything basically. When I turned into a teenager, it was the opposite almost overnight. Suddenly she was telling me I was fat (by this point I was overweight, but only slightly). She only ever bought processed crap and when I asked for anything fresh or healthy like school told me I should eat, she told me to buy it myself. Eventually I just gave up. On my body and myself. Somehow, my relationship with my mother repaired but my relationship with food never did.
Please don't misunderstand- my weight is my fault. I just gave up. Who does that? I feel like a failure. I let my youth disappear into food. I'm afraid and I feel so stupid. Mostly because I am. I just want a new start. Does that even exist?