Friday, June 21, 2013
Tonight I'm missing my Gramma so much that I almost can't breathe. I'm feeling so bad that we never made it back up there to see them. We talked so much about the distance between us, how expensive it was to travel and take off work, etc. She said she understood. I hope she really did. I hope she wasn't hiding hurt feelings. Gramma was not a liar or anything...but I wonder if she would try and spare me the knowledge that I'd hurt her feelings for not coming to visit. I remember the last time I actually saw her. She and Grampa had come down for a visit, like they did every year (it used to be twice a year, until they got too old, and then they just made the trip once a year). It was in October, and I was working at this horrible restaurant. I can't recall ever hating a job more than I hated working at this restaurant. I told them my elderly grandparents were coming into town and I wanted to have some time off to see them. They said it was ok as long as I had someone cover my shift. I worked three days that week, so I had someone cover me for those three days. I got a snippy call from the manager/owner, and she was telling me to either work my shift or not come back at all. I tried explaining that I thought she said I could take the time off, my grandparents were coming, etc. She didn't care. I thought about it for a few minutes and then quit that job. Seeing my grandparents was far more important to me than that stupid, wretched, detestable job. I knew there were only so many more times that they'd be coming back down. I didn't know for sure at the time, but that was the last time they ever came down here. That was the last time I ever saw my precious Gramma. Quitting that job really took it's toll on my finances, even though it was such a crappy job and I wasn't making that much money anyway, but I never regretted quitting. I certainly do not regret it now. Sometimes I feel like I was selfish with Gramma...like calling her to tell her various things. Of course I wanted her to talk to me, tell me about what was going on in her life, listen to her stories, etc. But sometimes I just wonder if I wanted more from her than what I gave to her in return. I didn't mean it that way, I just loved her so much and really needed her. I still need her. I don't know how I'll ever recover from this. You can get accustomed to the pain, but it's still there. I keep thinking about all the happy memories we have with Gramma and Grampa...but sometimes my heart just breaks all over again, because I remember that's all I have left. I can't just pick up the phone and call her. I'll never get one of her letters in the mail ever again. I don't have a special friend to tell a dirty joke to -- and not have to worry if she'll think less of me for telling it. I found out this afternoon that one of my guy friends lost his grandfather today, so I guess that's what got me thinking about Gramma. I was texting with my guy friend earlier, and he said he missed me and hoped we could get together soon. Then I realized how I never see any of my friends anymore. I got screwed over by some friends a couple of years ago, so it really made me scared of having friends at all...even having relationships altogether. Sometimes I am just so lonely that it brings me to tears, but I also feel like it can be easier to be lonely than to be continually let down and abandoned by people. I've tried reaching out to people and making friends, but it just doesn't work the way I hope it will. I feel like I put in all the work and it's not reciprocated...and I just don't want to have relationships like that anymore. I know that's one reason I loved Gramma so much...I knew she really wanted to be my friend. She sought me out, and I sought her out. It was a two-way street for us. It doesn't ever seem like it's that way for me and anyone else. Anyway. Enough sadness for one night. I think maybe I'll watch some silly TV and just go to sleep.