Friday, June 21, 2013
I'm feeling a little uneasy right now, so I'm here to try and sort it out by blogging. Fortunately I'm not at home, but at a tea shop again, since I've felt some anxiety growing since I got back from yoga this morning, and I know that getting out of my place and not isolating can help me.
I can tell that some of the anxiety is coming from a slight physical discomfort I can't quite place, but that includes some fatigue and not feeling completely right. The other part of the anxiety is coming from feeling like I'm not getting enough done, and that I don't have enough time - I would say this is usually a big part of my anxiety, something that my therapist and I have talked about in the past. Part of my homework for therapy when we decided meetings could be on an as-needed basis was to write down things that I accomplished daily, but I haven't been doing that.
Here's my thought progression I'm having...
1. I'm not really feeling up to working even though I want to work, so maybe I should just try to lessen up the pressure on myself by letting myself take a day off (to just relax, catch up on some leisure reading and writing) and go with the attitude of "if I get work done, that's great, if not, that's ok too, I will just resolve not to have any expectations of myself today".
So I thought about that because I know that constant pressure on myself is really kind of detrimental and just stresses me out more. But then more thoughts came.
2. But how can I take a day off and let myself have no expectations of myself when I have barely gotten anything done this week as it is? I haven't gotten enough done to let myself have a free day. If I do this, I'll probably just get even more behind. I already let myself have enough free time with all my activities like running, yoga, climbing, swimming, etc. and that should be enough. I already feel guilty enough about that as it is. I haven't done enough to deserve a day off.
I can definitely recognize some skewed thoughts in there, but sadly it doesn't change my *feeling* that way. I did get some work done on Tuesday and Thursday, even though I never felt it was enough. The statement "I'll probably just get even more behind" is totally a negative prediction, and I knew there was some "catastrophizing"going on there too which I didn't explicitly say. I'm not really focusing on the present (where there is no real threat or whatever) and instead reaching way back to this whole week thinking about how I got nothing done, and then thinking about how that's going to negatively affect the future. Annnd there's definitely some perfectionism coming out too. The problem is that I can't really quantify or objectively verify how much work I got done, and in my mind it is never enough. Sometimes it's ok, and I'm able to tell myself that I'm happy with what I got done, so I'm not *always* a failure, but honestly, I really think I need to get a lot more done.
The question now comes down to how to change my feelings. The situation right now is not that bad, but all I feel is conflict. I started to try and do some leisure reading but couldn't enjoy it because of the guilt I felt over really not having gotten enough work done. I think I'm going to try and work again...I'm not really sure this blog helped me that much as I just reiterated the evaluation that went on in my head earlier; I don't particularly find any additional resolution or insights.
Well, let me at least try to end this with something positive, and cross your fingers for me that I'm able to make it through today. I definitely feel at-risk/vulnerable today, despite how I kind of realize there is nothing wrong! How can I tell myself it's ok and believe it?
+ Note to self: Try and stay present! It's only 3pm. It's Friday, it's the first day of summer. The weather is sunny and beautiful out. This morning I had a fun swim in the ocean and went to yoga. I'm at a tea shop in a nice spot, listening to happy music, and there are several other people here just relaxing. It's FRIDAY for God's sake! I have no other commitments today, and I actually want to work on my research. There's no reason to feel this sense of unease and dread...you're safe, there is no threat, even if your body is somehow reacting as if this is not true. Remember what you learned - so your body is feeling anxious and your mind disconnected. You've trained in yoga and meditation to be less reactive, to just "be" with discomfort, to notice the sensations but not particularly attach yourself to them, to "ride the waves" and realize it will pass. These are the kinds of times that training is for. Don't give up! This is what you'd say to a friend. Try and believe it.
+ I think I made the right decision to get out of my apartment when I knew I was feeling off. It was a preventative step that tends to help, so I'm proud of myself for noticing my mood and trying to do what I could when I could.
+ I came here to blog rather than trying to just block out all the weird feelings, which sometimes can lead to behaviors before I'm even aware of it.
+ Yesterday I also had a good day, so that was day 3 of no bingeing. That felt good. I want to get on another binge-free streak! I've done so well this month so far.
+ I took a short nap earlier before coming to the tea shop to try and mitigate some of the physical discomfort of feeling tired.
+ I'm even practicing kind of smiling even though I feel the opposite of smiling in case my brain can follow my forced body motions.