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The Bible Through the Eyes of a 1st Grader


Friday, June 21, 2013

My daughter-in-laws dad sent me this and I laughed so hard I thought I'd share it with you.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.


3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD,WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.



9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.


11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.


12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.


15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.


16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.


17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.


19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.


21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRIAGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

I like number 3, lol
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JLLOVETT 6/27/2013 4:22PM

    I'm passing these on, thanks!

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PROVERBS31JULIA 6/24/2013 2:25PM

    I like em all!! These are always funny!

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KARENLEIGH32 6/23/2013 3:14AM

    Through the eyes of the innocent! These were really quite good!

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JEANNETTE59 6/22/2013 8:12PM

  emoticon , emoticon , emoticon

I can't wait to share these!

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LIFE-FAITH 6/22/2013 6:25PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SLIMLEAF 6/22/2013 6:02PM

    Thank you John. I read some of these over the phone to my parents during our 'good night' call. A great way to end the day and the first time I've laughed for a while. emoticon

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MILLIE-MILOU 6/22/2013 5:20PM

    I love this. I particularly liked No. 20. I now have a vision in my mind of Jesus giving that big old stone a shove.

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NILLAPEPSI 6/22/2013 5:01PM

    emoticon

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AUNTIEANNE22 6/22/2013 4:22PM

  Out of the mouths of babes. And a child shall lead us. UhOh.

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AJDOVER1 6/22/2013 11:58AM

    too cute!

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NASFKAB 6/22/2013 6:13AM

  thanks for sharing was funny

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GEEMAWEST 6/21/2013 9:35PM

    emoticon

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LEANNAW4 6/21/2013 8:43PM

    There are so many gems in here. Holy acrimony and the epistle wives of the apostles. My favorite is Lot's wife, though. So funny. Thanks for sharing!

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CARTOONB 6/21/2013 8:02PM

    That is hilarious!!!

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TRAILBLAZER6 6/21/2013 7:45PM

    emoticon emoticon

Thank you so much! It was wonderful! I'd like to know how many calories I burned laughing so hard.

Kids are great!

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HARROWJET 6/21/2013 4:07PM

    Some of them prove the importance of enunciation. emoticon

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ALIX_P 6/21/2013 3:36PM

    I liked # 10.

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TRISTAROSE 6/21/2013 2:59PM

    These are precious .... thank you for making me smile today!

emoticon

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TERMITEMOM 6/21/2013 2:51PM

    These are hilarious! Thank you for sharing.

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ANATASHIKI 6/21/2013 2:46PM

    I guess the porcupines keep you out of monotony emoticon

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MORTICIAADDAMS 6/21/2013 2:36PM

    Hilarious. Yes, the kid that wrote #3 is really intriguing I sense his/her parents will have their hands full very soon. LOL.

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