I was twelve years old when I lost my dad and my Mom became a young widow; there was three of us, my Mom and my eight year old sister.. my Mom was young and grieved deeply, and I was VERY sensitive to her sorrow, she couldnít sleep at night and so we would drive around until dawn, race home, sleep for an hour [maybe two if I was lucky]..all of us slept holding hands so not a comfortable sleep when I did get a little rest. (Picture me in a bean bag chair next to the bed with my arm hanging in the air.. thatís how I slept. Little sister got the other side of the bed.) My Mothers sisterís told me as the oldest it was my job to care for my Mom [stupid advice for a young child]. I took it literally, and would not let her grieve on her own. I ended up becoming a very troubled teen who turned to the wrong kind of friends and only by Gods grace was my life not destroyed. Thankfully we came from a small town so my teachers were merciful for that first year or two [relatives were not] the pain I left behind when my Mom remarried and moved stayed with me. She married a stranger, knew him for two weeks, he turned out to be more than a causal social drinker [which was her only concern, that and he said he had faith]; however, it turned out he was an alcoholic and in the end an abuser and I quickly learned food was a comfort, it dulled the pain.. also, my late nights continued because when he was out drinking we would be out looking for him all night or once he was safely home and passed out cold, I was the one who had to listen to her excuses as to why she couldnít leave him, blah, blah, blah. (I loved my Mom dearly, so please do not criticize her, but, it did take me a long time to forgiven her.) Also, the best thing to come from this relationship was my brother and it did give me a special relationship with my Mom .. however, the emotional abuse and the late nights caused a pattern of eating when I was exhausted, tired, hurting and .. oh, and secret binge eating because he would not let us have junk food [treats]. So, we hid it under our beds, waited for him to leave or pass out. (He could have his ice cream but we werenít aloud anything because he thought venison and potatoís was all we needed, no snacks or cereals [bread for breakfast] or Wheaties which he ate. Vanilla ice cream was all he ever bought, I once asked him to buy Neapolitan, so we all could have some [not good] I swear he bought vanilla because he was the only one who liked it, even my Mom and his kids didnít eat it & only once do I remember my Mom getting MapleNut, it got left sitting out on the freezer and he blamed me; funny since, I hated Maple Nut!) On my Momís death bed she apologized for all we went through; so like I said, we became closet eaters. Working through these hurts is part of the diet process now and itís only taken me 51 years; however, through reading other peoples blogs here on SP, Iíve learned so much about myself; in fact, this past week it dawned on me, that when I lose control itís when Iím exhausted and itís not to comfort myself, but because I learned years ago how to stay awake, I would fuel my body with food, now when that feeling of being tired hits me, I find myself feeding that feeling of fatigue, I wake up in the middle of the night, even after taking a sleep aid, I found myself re-energizing myself.. What Iím figuring out is, that I feel stressed when I am over tired and when I wake up for any reason [hear a noise or a potty break] something inside drives me to feed that fatigued feeling and I will eat something, rather itís left overs or fresh fruit, I seek to alleviate that feeling of exhaustion and I wake myself up so I canít go back to sleep. This is a bad habit that I want to break.
If you can relate and you know some Bible verses.. only a few, I don't want tons.. but a few good ones.. let's see what you've got
I'm hungry for Gods Truth..