It is week 9 in my marathon "training" and I haven't been blogging like I said I would. My beautiful friend Kathy has been blogging about her marathon journey and God....my journey is more internal.....while this may not appear to be directly a blog about marathon training, it is incredibly relevant to me. I was in fierce beast mode. I feel that the energy has transitioned for the time being.....I am still a fierce beast but I feel that right now it is more about being vulnerable and trusting.......
Feeling incredibly reflective and introspective today. I think somehow I've slowly been losing some of that confidence in myself....the awareness of just how incredible every OTHER person is never leaves my consciousness but I have felt a shift in my acknowledgement of my own self worth. Relationships can make one feel terribly exposed and vulnerable; this is a feeling which I have not handled well historically because of my background. Trust in myself and others seems elusive. I am aware that this is a lesson that I need to learn rather than shrinking away like I have in the past. My sister was right in saying that we can not seek outwardly for that sense of worthiness. It seems so much easier when the world is quiet and you're alone.....not risking, not putting yourself in situations that could break your heart. I am thankful to Mother Earth and Father Sun for these conscious thoughts today. Always remember to let yourself be expansive and feel all that there is to feel. I need to learn to love myself, even when rumors are spreading like wildfire. Learn to love myself and others regardless of whether or not that love is returned. Learn worry less.....risk more. I am strong and I try to consciously live my life making ethical choices for myself and being true to my authentic self. Why do I feel this rock in my stomach today? Anxious and afraid that the world will fall out from under my feet. Worst yet, comparing myself to others. Focusing far too much on the past.....letting current situations drag up all of these things that I've pushed away for so long....letting my head go places it should not be. It is like a struggle between allowing myself to be exposed and vulnerable to those I love and to the world so I can continue this beautiful journey of transformation and growth and walling myself up so that I can never be hurt again. What is life if you don't allow yourself to be open and willing to love and be loved? I'm a firm believer in living out loud.....making your mark on the world. I think a wise woman is right...I'm giving my power away by allowing all of these words to impact me the way it has. So how do you move on from the past and the current negativity and allow yourself to remain open?
There are a few things which I was afraid would happen...and I let them happen. It is time to change that. I kind of feel like I've lost that piece of myself (I could even say PEACE of myself)...the piece of myself that felt strong and worthy. All of a sudden I feel raw....exposed in a way I never have been before. I'm used to negativity from parents and significant others. I am not used to negativity from strangers, family, "friends"....all of it at once and all of it based in lies.
I'm returning to my therapist...I'm returning to myself. My love of running has always been based on the love it opens up for myself....the connection I feel with the Earth.....with all things. I feel whole and complete when I run, even when I am torn and broken down by the runs......it challenges me. It makes me realize just how strong I am. It makes me CONFIDENT in who I am and what I have to offer this world and everyone in it. I feel like breaking down...like letting it all spew out of me in whatever way it needs to. Marathon training is so much about being vulnerable and giving in to the journey and the obstacles that come with it. It truly is a metaphor for life. After the half marathon I was injured and I allowed myself some time off. Problem is, I never returned to the beast mode. Here it is 2.5 weeks later and I am feeling weak, fluffy, and anxious....anxious isn't the right word actually. Prior to the half marathon I had this confidence.....this belief that I was truly worthy of anything that came my way and while parts of me still feel that I am capable of anything I have lost some of that feeling of self-worth. So today I make a promise to myself....a promise to do the work. A promise to love myself. A promise to allow myself to be happy without letting the fear take over.
The plan of attack:
Today- RUN! It is actually a spin day, but I'm not sure I want to spin. I feel that I need to return to running today.....
Saturday: 11 mile run and swim lessons
Next week- full week return!!!!
Monday- rest day, but want to hike
Tuesday: 4 mile speed work and swim practice
Wednesday: 5 mile hill work and strength training
Thursday: spin class
Friday-Sunday: camping....oh sweet solitude in nature how I have missed thee!!!!!! 3 days off the grid....immersing myself in Mother Nature, soaking up the love of father Sun......communing with their children.