Thursday, June 20, 2013
I should preface this with the fact that I scrolled through my blogs to see when the last time was I wrote one of "these" - it was the end of May so hopefully I'm not being removed as a SP friend for transparency and over sharing.
THE mood. It's back.
So here we go - write myself out of it.
It's final exam time, which is simultaneously awesome (end of the year) and atrocious (English teacher power grading). Some people get really sentimental and nostalgic, but I look forward to the end. I can re-group, get a tan, and come back with a new approach and refreshed perspective. But right this minute not so much: I have a head ache, my eyes are killing me, my back hurts, and I'm cranky/irritated/indifferent (surprised?).
Did I mention I also have a 140 essays + multiple choice to grade in a 48 hour turn around?
But I'm blogging.
There's so much going on inside my head and so little being acted out that I feel I may explode with anger or implode with apathy depending on the minute. The worst part about this polarity is my brain is saying, "eat". I'm not hungry, but this is what English teachers do. We avoid grading by going out to lunch, stuffing ourselves, coming back to school to complain about it, fantasize about food naps, and eventually go home and force ourselves to grade until the wee hours in the morning. Then we repeat it the next day.
The sudden spike has my brain reaching for the fail safe that is socially acceptable. Socially acceptable is whole subcategory of this situation. If you don't go eat with everyone, you don't come back and complain with everyone, and you don't walk in feeling great - having lost weight - to listen to others complain (or at least you're not welcome). So not only do I want any and all food I really shouldn't, I want to use it as an excuse to be forcibly social and not do my work.
If I eat my pre-packed, well balanced meal (as opposed to the Soul Food everyone just left for) I know I will feel good on the inside - maybe not in the brain, but my whole body will be thankful. Then I can promptly take my essays out and get moving. I've gotten this far. I ate my lunch, I'm drinking my water, and I've completed two class sets of finals.
This brings me to right now and the G-d awful, crappy feeling I'm experiencing right now - the care too much or too little and either way regret any and all of my next instinctual inclinations. I will be going to workout later... I know that will help... later. Unfortunately right now I'm between stopping for sh*t food or crying and I don't know why other than the fact that this is my first time on a weight loss journey that I haven't succumbed to the refrigerator for comfort at this mental impasse.
I think I just let it ride its course. I'll deal with the whole feeling frustrated and not feeling at all for a couple more hours, hit the gym, and hope for the best because I AM NOT EMOTIONALLY EATING.
I feel a little better. Seriously.