Thursday, June 20, 2013
I did my hour of No More Trouble Zones. I feel better when I can get a decent amount of exercise in. I don't think I will have time to walk today...got a lot of stuff to do before tonight: clean out my car, pack for the evening, clean the living room, kitchen and bathroom. This will be my first time going out in a long, long time. Maybe six months or more.
I've gotten a bit anti-social and withdrawn. I don't have a problem with that. I don't like crowds, loud noises jangle my nerves, and trying to make small talk with strangers is unpleasant to me. It's even harder making small talk when it's so loud I can't hear them anyway. I feel awkward and out of place. It's gotten worse since I gained the weight. I feel so self-conscious being around people that knew me when I was a size 6, and now here I am, middle-aged, pudgy and gray. I know I need to work on being okay with my body, and right now I'm not. I feel old and fat.
The other thing is that I really, really hate being around drunk people. They make my skin crawl. Drunks are jerks.
The Dude is a total social butterfly. He loves to wander around and meet new people. Seriously, every time we go to the store, he makes a few new friends. Me...no. Ugh. I'm shy and tongue-tied in social situations. The funny thing is that when I'm at work, I'm not like this. People are always commenting on how I'm always calm and smiling no matter what's going on (and in special ed, there's always something going on). At work I'm confident and relaxed and in control. At parties and bars, no way. I don't know why.