Wednesday, June 19, 2013
I am in despair. My boyfriend is fighting dirty and I didn't even know we were in a fight. I cannot take his family drama much longer. We're not engaged or married we've been together for 16 years. Half of my f* cking life. And I'm starting to feel like I've wasted it. His family comes first. Before me and before him and before us. He was supposed yo take me to cedar point 3 years ago. When the time came close he said he couldn't because his brother couldn't afford it. I didn't know his brother was invited. His back hurts but until his brothers back is better he won't see a chiropractor. I had a horrific migraine and he told me to subj it up because his brother was in "real pain". He told me that I manipulate situations by crying - I only cry when my PMDD is in full swing or I'm pissed off as hell. He told me I needed to stop using my migraines as an excuse to not be social. He told me I have to do the dishes and clean the living room because "he's works". And that I don't go out enough. I have no money - I feel weird saying let's go out on your money. His niece is staying for 3 weeks. I told him I miss hanging out with him, just us. He says well you spent 10 days with Brad (my best totally platonic friend from college - we went to cedar point since Shawn my boyfriend won't take me). I didn't say his niece could live with him for 3 freaking weeks. Everything I say is wrong. Everything I do is wrong. He makes me feel like I'm am idiot. Pathetic. Stupid. But it wasn't always like that. He used to treat me so well. Now all he does is criticisize me. Nothing I do is good enough. It's because he's too busy trying to save his family members. I've just fallen to the wayside. He sees me as fine and in no need of help and if I dare breakdown I'm just being manipulative. I hate this. I bet it all on him and I think I lost it. He doesn't act like he gives a damn about me or what I'm going through. But I love him
Sometimes I think I'm just in love with a memory. I don't want to eat or exercise I just want oblivion.