Wednesday, June 19, 2013
I am back on Spark People after a long absence. I could go into the woes, ups and downs and blah blah blah's of the last however many years but I am not going to. Looking to the past has only ever created scape goats and excuses for me. The fact of the matter is that I am living life here and now and its the choices I make TODAY that are going to make a difference in winning my war on food.
I started out the year at 310 lbs and my last official weigh in was 295 so I am down 15 lbs from my highest weight and regardless of where I had hoped to be by now THIS is where I am and THIS is where I am moving forward from.
I eat my emotions like a regular old cookie monster this is my BIGGEST battle with food. I associate eating with every emotion under the sun including being happy! I am really trying to re-wire my thought process when it comes to food in order to control this issue. A lot of people look at food as fuel and some days I most certainly wish I could too. But I just can't seem to think of food that way because while I hate food...I LOVE FOOD!! So rather than deprive myself of every item known to mankind that just isn't good for me I have committed to staying in my spark ranges and trusting in the process.
This brings me to my 1st VICTORY in battle...yesterday around 4:30 pm I was extremely stressed out almost angry in fact to be honest now I couldn't even tell you what had happened at the time but those thoughts just began flooding my head. I was taking inventory of my pantry in my head and every possible bad for me concoction I could possibly think of to make, thinking of the left over pasta in the fridge, the Oreos sitting in the pantry all alone... I still don't know why I even put them in the shopping cart, heck even just the thought of cutting into the brand new loaf of Tillamook Cheddar in the fridge....this quickly changed to thoughts of... I did so well yesterday I can have something right? I ate good the rest of the day that makes it ok? Why me? Why do I have these issues? I am 27 years old I can eat what I want when I want! (Sounds more like a 3 year old to me) Who really is going to even know?? (ME...thats who is going to know and who matters)
Well there you have it folks a front row seat to the battle I deal with on a daily basis in my own head. Now I know this may seem silly to a few but the reality is I constantly deal with these exact emotions and while the battle got a little messy yesterday afternoon becuase I did in fact chow down on left over pasta, a half of slice of bread with butter and dove head first into the Oreos.
Why is this a victory even though I caved to my emotional eating? because afterwards once the sauce had settled I came straight to my computer logged in the calories under dinner squeaked in just under my calorie goal and I did not eat another thing for the rest of the night and because I did not allow it to turn into a full on binge like I would have in the past, because I made myself accountable and tracked the calories instead giving in and chalking it up to a horrible night.
PLUS I learned a pretty valuable lesson about how important NOT eating a bunch of crap in a hard moment is when it comes to sticking to a calorie range. I am a huge night snacker and to not eat anything past 5pm last night was pretty darn challenging but I sure do feel good about myself today and I am not beating myself up for faltering last night I am simply proud of myself for being so strong for the remainder of the night.
I am happy to be back on Spark and I am looking forward to winning more battles along the way! I have a long ways to go and I honestly feel ready to succeed and focus on the things that really matter.
Happy HUMP Day Sparkers!