Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Day 1 of weigh less and I have to admit, i'm not as excited or as positive as I could be. I know I need to do something about my weight before it gets even more out of control than it already is, not just aesthetically, but my confidence. I am beginning to feel insecure in my work, my r/ship and my body generally - which is ironic because I have received a lot more male attention than usual over the last couple of days.
The reason I am a little negative about weigh less is that I am afraid of failing. I have been trying to lose weight for the best part of my life but if i'm honest, before, my weight was normal - maybe a little on the overweight side but my weight was always located in all the right areas, I was fit, toned and cellulite was a myth. 5 years ago though, I came off the pill (which I had only been on for 12 weeks) and my body has never been the same. I put on 40 pounds and try as I might, I have not been able to lose it. I have been to dietitians, spoken to my GP's, been on Duromine, and glucophage, had a personal trainer and in all that time I have neither lost nor put on any weight at all. I have had every test imaginable done and apparently everything is at the optimum levels - except for my iron levels on occasion. Whenever I speak to health professionals, their answer is always - you just need to eat less and exercise more which drives me up the wall - what do you think i've been doing for the last 5 years? 9 months ago, I gave up. Stopped working out and/or caring about what I ate because - well, what was the point? I didn't enjoy my workouts anymore cos I felt like I was wasting time so I figured I might as well eat what I want and sleep a little longer - 5 am gym is really a pain.
True to form, in that time, I haven't gained or lost single pound. Except now my body looks a mess. Now I have an excessive amount of fat in all the wrong places. I am the queen of the muffin top, and I am now intimately acquainted with cellulite - and bra fat. Worse than that, I spent the whole of last week second guessing myself professionally. I hate having to seek reassurance about my physical appearance and feeling unattractive in all company - male and female. My posture around people in both social and professional settings is depressing.
So I decided to try one more time - get back into gym and just enjoy being in gym. Have fun like I used to. I suffer from moderate depression and the gym has always been my way of coping. I'd like to say that I'll eat right and exercise for the other benefits and not be upset if the weight doesn't shift, but that would be an outright lie.
I heard somewhere that if you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done. For me that something is two fold: Firstly, blogging about this journey, being completely honest about how I feel and what terrifies me about the journey. I followed Smile2DayTears2morro on YouTube who achieved her goal weight and has kept her weight fairly constant since doing so. I've also seen a lot of people Vlog andBlog about their journey's and it seems to work well for them - so here I am, giving this a try . Secondly, despite having myself convinced that I know everything that there is to know about eating right and exercising well, I decided to join weigh less, and get onto spark people I guess for some advice, structure, discipline and accountability - cos clearly my 'vast knowledge' hasn't been much help to me so far.
I thought i'd find the weigh less meeting more inspiring or exciting or something - I don't know, my particular meeting felt like a bit of a farce. I paid for the programme and was sent on my way feeling a little unprepared to be honest. But so far, day 1 has been ok. I ate 10extra grams of weetbix this morning, and couldn't help adding a bit of honey but other than that, its not been too bad.
A million words and a lot of waffling later I guess this post if officially complete. The journey of 40 pounds begins with a single calorie.