Tuesday, June 18, 2013
It occurs to me that some sort of journaling might be advantageous. To me, I mean. My daily musings are unlikely to be of import or significance to anyone else. But then, you never know. I see things on blogs that make me sorta go, "huh?"
My purpose is that I'm basically a slacker. I just don't wanna (anything). As a result, big chunks of my life go off into the slacking composter, which doesn't do much for my progress or state of mind. It's pretty clear that doing nothing is not likely to change my outlook. Perhaps doing SOMEthing...ANYTHING...might be enough change to make a difference.
Then again, maybe not. Maybe this is just a little excursion in my mind, and it won't last beyond today. Who knows. Not I, certainly.
If you happen to see blog entries from me on the various team feeds, and they are just entitled with the date, you're likely to encounter some rambling discourse like this one. Hardly worth following, unless you have a bit of a masochistic streak, like myself! lol But if such things fascinate you, feel free to follow and comment or needle or whatever seems appropriate! hehe
So...today. I'm slacking, as usual. I should be finishing up some continuing ed classwork that just isn't appealing. It's not my favored field; actually, it's waaaay outside my usual field of expertise. Some part of me notes that this should be the very purpose of continuing ed! Foolishly enough, it's a topic I really am interested in: nutrition. Of course, it's veterinary nutrition. Some little aspects carry over. Not dependably, but the course leader is a tech specialist in the field, and she's always eager to delve into human nutrition, so long as I'm otherwise following the course game plan. I just don't want to be challenged - DUH! so why did I continue and take the advanced course once I'd completed the basic course?!? there's that little masochistic bird raising its spiky plumes again.
I'm stressing myself unnecessarily with this, because I don't HAVE to do it. I'm retired. It hardly matters if I maintain my credentialing...other than the fact that I'm too stubborn to give it up. Any road, the course ends in early/mid-July. I'm barely halfway through the assignments. I'm stressed. I'm enrolled in another CE course, this one right in my specialty, and I completed the whole thing over the span of one day. I'd also taken the basic version of that one, and the instructor there laughingly prompted me to maybe take more than a day to finish the advanced version! LOL Little chance of that, evidently. Well. I'm so freaked out with the closing date for the other course that I felt compelled to get this one out of the way so I'd be "free" to apply myself to the remaining one. Ha. Likely chance, there. You see where I actually AM.
I'm disgusted with this weight-loss thing. I keep wavering back and forth across a line...I was within sniffing distance of Onederland a couple months back. Now I'm back in the 220s, and it just goes up and down and up and down...last check it was 222. Explain to me the logic and justice of this: I eat poorly for ONE DAY, and gain 3 pounds. Okay, I'll accept responsibility for that. HOWEVER! if the Fates had any mercy whatsoever, in justice, if I eat very well for a day - okay, even a couple days, I'll be lenient - I should equitably lose 3 pounds afterwards. Yes? is this not fair? But no. Justice does not prevail. So I'm disgusted. Not terminally so! just annoyed. I'm starting to contemplate more extreme ventures now. I've been eyeing this Fat Fast thing for a while. Maybe I need to Just Do It. But I'm not that big a fan of cream cheese! Sissy. I see lots of what appear to be really tasty recipes in their .pdf I've got here. There's that slacker again. I just don't wanna. Bother with recipes, I mean. OTOH, I'm not getting anywhere whining about plateaus either. It's a dilemma.
The whip-cracker endocrinologist wants me back to 20-30 carbs a day. huh. Well, I've managed to crawl down from my slippage of 100+ to around 50-ish. That's an improvement. It's not 20-30, however. I'd like to congratulate my poor carb-addicted self on this point, except that I'm still doing childishly impulsive slacker things like eating a couple tablespoons of peanut (ack!) butter with a couple tablespoons of fruit-only preserves for lunch. Because I didn't want to bother figuring out what to cook...or rewarm, out of the amazing spread of already cooked food I've got populating my fridge. Well, the DH needs dinner later, right? yeah. A nice excuse. I know it's an excuse. I know it when I think it. I know I shouldn't be eating "deconstructed PB-J sandwiches" too. I tell myself so with each mouthful. And do it anyway. It's not even a craving or a binge. It's simply sheer laziness. Slacker. See?
And then there's this issue with my friend. I met a lady in Walmart, of all places...we hit it off right away, who knows why. Doesn't much matter; we're compatible and both have something of a dearth of companions in our lives. She has no means of transportation. I have mobility issues. So I take her around and she helps me load/unload and go get motorized shopping carts where we go...it's a decent arrangement. Unfortunately, she also is at something of a disadvantage in her finances. I hate to see that. I remember being there. The fact that she's enabling me and encouraging me (even when I'm sometimes in no mood) to go out is a great boon to me. It makes me do some little bit of "exercise" (ie, activity) which I would not be doing if not for her. I wouldn't be able to pay for physical therapy, I don't think. Even so, I'm sure my slacker nature wouldn't keep me going to something like that. I don't demur too much to my friend when she wants or needs to go out. The point of this is that sometimes if she's short in the pocket, I fill in. We usually go to lunch when when we're out, and it's not uncommon for me to pay the tab. Sometimes she'll pay for her portion, or pay the tip...but I don't make any deal over it if she doesn't. However, it's advanced now into shaky territory. One time she admitted that she just didn't have enough to pay her grocery bill when we were out. This is stated with hesitant speculation. Okay, fine. She sees me pay with a card. She has no card. It's cash or nothing. In this case, it would have been nothing. Why did we go grocerying if she had no cash? I have no idea. It was okay...I had it, and I shared it, and she paid me back, although I was nervous about it. It took two of her monthly paychecks to eke out what she owed me, but it worked out. She makes jests now about her "private banker". She's having family for the upcoming holiday, which is also her husband's birthday. Family is coming from states away who she hasn't seen in some time, and they'll be staying with her. This will entail more food in the house than she would normally stock. It also means they'll be staying in her house, and the only spot she has for them is the family room...and their a/c unit in there won't maintain a decent temp. I guess it's undersized, or old, or I-don't-know-what. For whatever reason, she needs to replace the old tired window unit they've got in there. She was telling me about one she found (again, Walmart - where we go grocery shopping a lot). Then I get the sheepish admission that she just has no idea where she's going to get the money. The husband gets SS. She gets nothing, for some convoluted reason. Be that as it may, the a/c unit really isn't that expensive. She asked me to go by her sister's place, who had agreed to lend my friend a credit card, when we go out tomorrow. But the tone of her voice clearly indicated to me that the sister wasn't pleased with this. And then she says, "unless I could put it on your card." hmpf Why didn't I see that coming. Well, okay. I can see the situation. She paid me back without my having to make issue of it the last time. So we're going to try it again. It just makes me nervous. My husband, although he's not in the loop with the various "borrowings," does know I buy lunches. And that I don't get any gas money for all our gallivanting around. Now he's taken to (snidely) telling me that I don't have a friend, I had to "buy" one. Well, that wasn't the case initially. We were friends for quite a while before all this started. But now that it has, without making a big change (and for what reason would I cite?), I see no way to stop it. I don't mind helping her. I like to be able to suggest things which appeal to me, since I do have someone to share with, even if I know it's not something she'd do on her own. Or afford on her own, whatever. But it's stressing me. I don't want there to be tension between us. I don't want her to think I don't trust her - there's no evidence to support it. I'm just starting to feel iffy about it. Meanwhile I'm sliding along worrying about it.
And none of this is getting me any closer to progressing in my CE assignments.
Off I go.
Hopefully to do something I'm *supposed* to be doing.