Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Somewhere between 11:57 pm yesterday and 12:05 am today the three month anniversary of my Motherís dead passed. As the days have slipped into weeks and the weeks into months I ask myself how am I doing? Iím sad. I miss my Mother. I almost feel like she might still be alive, even though I know better. Iíve read her last 2 emails over and over. So much that I know the words by heart. I can still hear her voice when I read the 1st line of one of the emails. I can hear her saying those words. I miss her so much.
There isnít anyone left alive on this earth that has cared about me, or that I have cared about for fifty one years. My older sister tries I guess. If she could hear, she has been deaf since birth, our relationship might be different, better, closer to what I shared with Mom. Maybe even better than the relationship I had with my Mother but she canít so it isnít. Iíve heard from my younger sister more in the past 3 months than I have in 15 years. As the months slowly pass, and with no regards to what I might do to stop it, that will change back to what it was once again. My brother is just so strange. He is no one I want to associate with let alone speak to. I try to talk to Ewald as much as I can stand. He has put Mom on a pedestal. He seems to have forgotten who she was and what she was.
I tried to watch the movie Up on Saturday. The situation with the couple getting older and the man being left alone after her death brought me to tears. So much upset that I told Kurt we couldnít watch the movie and had to get out of the house. Its very close to my Mother and Ewaldís situation that I couldnít stand it. I actually think the movie took me back a few steps when I thought I was doing so well too. Harsh words for a cartoon, huh?
Iíve given up the idea of owning rental property, for now. My credit and lack of a down payment are keeping me on the sidelines. Maybe next year, then again, maybe not. Right now I have decided that the property we live on is my gift from my Mother. She died so I could have it without a mortgage. I must take care of the precious gift she left me. Iíve asked Kurt to create a memorial garden. He is going slowly with my request. Its turning out beautiful and I am very pleased. I was going to order a plaque with the names of those that we remember. Then I saw the list and realized it was to dam depressing, to many names. Iíve ordered a plaque that says WE REMEMBER and have decided to leave it at that.
Iím pushing Kurt to get Glenn and Logan out. Its really only Logan since Glenn hasnít stayed on our property since January. Why he would continue to pay rent for a place for his son who is 18 and not working and his dogs I do not know. However neither one of them respects my wishes to preserve my property to honor my Mother. Why they donít I donít know. So they have to go. NOW.
John starts his new job today. Wish him luck. Say a prayer for him. He hasnít sat at a desk job since July 2008. Good luck little boy is all I can say.
Kurtís health is continuing to worsen despite his following the doctorís orders and taking all his prescription pills. Kurt is talking at least 12 different pills right now. He has managed to get 32 pounds off and its still not enough. The news I got yesterday was heartbreaking. One of these days Iím going to find Kurt gone. Maybe in his sleep or watching TV or who knows. To much abuse, to little care and bad heredity, are all contributing to the decline. So much that even pills, exercise and a diet change are only holding the inevitable at bay, not changing the possibility much. All along I thought my Mother would be here to hold my hand through this and she isnít going to be. Maybe the doctorís are wrong and Kurt will out live me.
I got wind of a rumor that my employer wants to change my working hours. Iíve been working 6 am to 2:30 pm for nearly 9 years now. I sure donít want to have my hours changed. My afternoon walk keeps me sane. My mother in law and my husband need me home in the afternoons. I donít want to threaten anyone but if this hours change does indeed come to pass I will have to think real hard if I want to keep working at this job. If the change is to 7 am to 3:30 pm well I can handle that if I had to, but 8 to 4:30, no way. And I donít have to if I choose not to. Iím not a prisoner to my paycheck anymore.
I did say I was doing better. Yet this is very sad sounding. Its not meant to be sad. Just an update on me. How are you?