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coming face to face


Tuesday, June 18, 2013

with big realizations

one to conquer, one to savor

I have been dealing with this approach/avoid conflict for a while regarding running… I want that perceived feeling of freedom that running seems to provide and yet I seem to be an expert at keeping myself from doing what it takes to get there.. I have only one thing of which to be mindful once I undertake this in earnest - well really two - my "store-bought" knees (and as I write this maybe another realization - not wanting to find out they can't 'just do it')…

well last night, driving home from work after yet another weekend of planning the when and where and not doing it, it hit me… I grew up feeling laughed at, know for sure at times I was, and now find there is still that voice in there, that little me, afraid that I am setting myself up to be laughed at, or at least look pathetic or ridiculous or whatever while doing it…

so now that the realization has come I can deal with it, to paraphrase Lady Macbeth…. 'out dam*ed [thought], OUT!... so I've come to know, as Pogo said, "we have met the enemy and they are us", and on the road to, as Tom Paxton sang "we have met the enemy and they have been smashed"!

such power

I did spend time this weekend working on my house.. vacuuming stairs, getting things dealt with that have gone ignored or shelved since moving half a year ago.. figuring out what I want to change or adapt from stuff put away quickly for the sake of getting them out of boxes and now to find more permanent places - for I've started the conversation with my landlady about buying the place - still not decided but on the radar.. and after getting home, getting the day put away and the animals fed, and sitting down to relax I realized just how much contentment there is inside with where things are (amazing what a difference chasing dust bunnies can make, especially those that greet you at the door)

and that is a solid place from which to move forward

its been a year and a half of change, of on-going changes as life has evolved and maybe just a bit too many at one time.. and time to get that spot out and the lead as well

and know there will be no one laughing save me -

and that with joy

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANATASHIKI 6/19/2013 11:14AM

    aren't we all afraid of being laughed at? I'm running inside , there's no way to do it outside because of crazy drivers , stray dogs , pollen and too narrow streets and the stadium is too far away. nobody runs here so I would be called not only running whale but crazy too .I am doing something even more scarier this year emoticon . I'm going to the seaside, I didn't go there in 25 years , afraid of wearing a swimming suit in public. I will do it and I'm decided to enjoy it , I love swimming. glad to hear about your weekend with the house. cleaning always makes my head clearer , it's like putting order outside really makes the inside lighter and cleaner too. be careful with those knees though.
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JET150 6/18/2013 3:40PM

    What a great blog! I run early early in the morning so I won't be seen. But that doesn't really work and I have finally gotten to the point where I figure if people don't like the way I look they should look at something else. And I also know that I probably have very little in common with nor would I want to be friends with people who laugh at the less than perfect.
Exciting about maybe buying your place! Would you take over the whole place or still rent out the downstairs?
AND I know you've told me, but how soon is your adventure?

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TWEETYKC00 6/18/2013 2:07PM

    You know we would never laugh at you for trying things. How would you ever know if you can do something if you never try it?

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JDOWM62 6/18/2013 1:14PM

    Very well said!!! I can really relate with you on this one as I have that fear of being watched and laughed at. I still have unpacked boxes after our move in January, though. Stuff I need to go through and get rid of a lot of because we moved to a smaller house. Good luck with the running!

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