Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Good news and bad news.
Good news is that I basically made it through the trip with the family to my sister's graduation. She is now a doctor of veterinary medicine and I am proud of her! I really enjoyed spending time with the family despite it being pretty stressful; we haven't all gotten together in quite a long time since my sister and I are both away at school (sister is staying on one more year to get a masters in preventative medicine or something).
Bad news is that late Sunday night when I returned home, and then again today, I binged big time, as if I was making up for when I didn't binge even though I really, really wanted to. Like the full-out "I just give up", shut-down, completely mindless autopilot eating until pain kind of bingeing. Sigh. The stress of travelling with family was already kind of tough, but when I sat through a graduation, I think it freaked me out a bit more (this was unexpected, I just felt it when I was sitting through the ceremony and it stayed with me the rest of the day) because I am still very unsure about whether I'll ever graduate or not.
Anyway I am exhausted today and just wanted to check in. Hopefully a good report will come tomorrow about me getting back on track...
+ I made it Monday-Saturday (and mostly Sunday) without bingeing. That's a pretty good streak, and my calendar for June looks pretty good with all the stickers on it from when I don't use behaviors!
+ I'm back now and hopefully can rest up and settle in and get back on track in a less stressful environment.
+ Despite all the stress and unusual amount of social interaction (the extended family also went to the graduation, and stayed in the same hotel, so I was "on" almost the whole time we were there with no downtime/alone time, which is hard for me even if I like everyone there, which I do), I felt like I did fairly well. There was a lot of overeating because we went to some really awesome restaurants and the whole family loves food, but I managed not to binge. I mean this trip was basically one of my hardest challenges - family, food, and a family that loves food but also loves to be really unpredictable and indecisive which is an additional difficulty for me. But I made it without using behaviors.
+ Our first night there at dinner my mom immediately sees my sister, who met us at the restaurant, and says "You look like you've lost weight! Have you lost weight??" I think my sister realized how uncomfortable that made me feel to have an issue of weight mentioned *right before dinner* (we were ordering), but my mom is generally totally oblivious. I mean, eventually I want to be well enough to not have such things affect me, but I'm not consistently there yet... I was definitely triggered this time but I just took deep breaths and texted a recovery friend about my frustrations/feelings. I kind of wish I had a smart phone with a data plan so I could have posted here as well just to vent, but I don't, so I did the best I could. I was able to let it go and enjoyed my dinner.
+ Exercise was hard to get in when I was there since we were so busy, but on Friday morning I at least was able to get in a short run with my dad.
+ I didn't fit back into my dress well enough by this graduation time, but I will keep it in mind as a goal and as motivation for the future!