Monday, June 17, 2013
I know I've written this all over this web page, but this is my blog and I can be as redundant as I like. Less than 48 hours until my surgery, and my biggest fear is having to spend four to six weeks off the bike.
Every winter, I'm off the bike for about two months. But that's different: winter is a season of healing, of slumber, of catching one's breath. I'm going to be off the bike during the heat of the summer. Crazy as it sounds, I love riding in the heat (so long as I have enough water).
I suspect my outlook has more to do with the big picture than just my bike. My mom's condition was worse than she initially let on. She's doing much better now, but she's going to have to live with an ileostomy for six months while she has chemotherapy. (There was no mention of chemo previously - I suspect she was intentionally keeping me in the dark to keep me from worrying.) My parents travel a lot and they love it. This means a summer of no traveling. But I suppose as long as Mom can knit and read, she'll be fine.
I worried about the emotional roller coaster that follows surgical menopause. I'm worried about making too many bad nutrition choices and putting on ten pounds the first month. I'm worried about losing my sense of who I am. Mostly, I just worry.
I know this is pointless. A friend of mine once pointed out that we worry because it makes us feel like we're doing something. The majority of the things we worry about never happen. The stuff that really up-ends our lives blindsides us; it's almost never something we were worried about. So I guess I know that worrying is just my imagination writing its own scary movie.
Intellectually, I know that I will still be in control of my life; I just need to not make the excuses I usually make. A quick wallow in self-pity is fine, but then it's time to get back to counting my blessings and remembering the millions of women in this country who face far worse lots in life than mine. Time to remember that saying "I put my faith in God" is meaningless if I don't actually do it, and that whatever happens, it will not be more than I can handle.
So I whine all over the message boards, and whine in my blog. And I laugh while I'm writing this, because I'd really rather people think of me as the funny one, not the needy one.