Monday, June 17, 2013
It was another rough day here in crazy town. I may or may not have been on a crying jag most of the day. I get like this every so often. I guess its partly how i deal with stress and partly menstrual. Every once in awhile i just stop being able to cope with life and spend the day flipping out.
And today was that day. I was hoping the whole30 would even me out a little bit. Maybe it has to some degree but i just have so much going on it overrides the positive effects of nutrition.
BUT--- the good thing is I DID not turn to food. I thought about it. I wanted to. I really didn't want to deal with food and all the prep that goes into the whole30 for me because i never seem to have stuff pre-made. I was having most of my emotional breakdown over lunch time so i actually skipped lunch except for some tea and a bowl of berries. And then when i did get hungry later, i wanted so badly to just have something i could grab and eat. But i wasn't really having a craving. I was just hungry and didn't want to deal with making anything. I did manage to make dinner.
I still feel kinda doom and gloomy and just post-bawling hungover but I'm really glad I didn't sabotage myself. That's a pretty big deal for me. Normally these types of days are big binges for me. I thought multiple times about saying screw it because it would be easier but I really don't want to quit this.
As much as i dont like having to make anything, i do love the clean feeling i have all the time. I havent felt like crap about myself for eating bad things in 3 whole weeks! I still dont know if I'm losing weight but at least I don't feel guilty about what I'm eating. If I quit now, I would feel SOOOO guilty.
I do get a little skittish when i think about eating this way long term. I want to because I like how i feel but I am kinda mentally fatigued on figuring out what to eat everyday. it's weird... my addictions don't seem to have the same power of me, like drawing me to them without me having any will power to fight it, but mentally I still haven't broken up with them forever. I dont like thinking that I'll never have ice cream again which is so stupid, because what good has ice cream ever done me?! So I'm in this weird place where I'm afraid to not eat this way but I'm afraid of having to eat this way forever. It's my horrible brain. But I'm trying to just focus on one day at a time, get through 30 days and then go from there. And hope that the process becomes more streamlined as i go on and I feel better and more balanced with everything, if that makes any sense at all. (probably not).
It's pretty amazing that I've stuck to it in spite of all the stressful stuff I have going on.