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I run faster than despair

Monday, June 17, 2013

I had a hectic week. Well, mood-wise. (Last week, I mean.) But I still kept up with the food and training pretty well.

Tuesday morning I went for a walk instead of a jog. Don't know why, but at least I pushed myself out of bed and still walked for half an hour. The first half I spent thinking "wow look at yourself walking instead of jogging, what a shame"; the second half I spent thinking "wow look at yourself out of bed at this time of the day, just walking outside, how awesome".

I did my three days of strenght training - and realized I could really do a lot more in both intensity and time. It barely takes me 10 minutes to do my little programs, and it's not enough. I could easily do a solid 30 minutes of work, and sweat a lot more. So I'll be redoing my whole strenght program this week to add more minutes and maybe double the reps.

Thursday I went jogging, and I decided to go on with intervals since it worked fine last week. I still got a cramp - but pretty late, and was able to follow my intervals until the end. When I first tried the week before, I was doubling my walking times because of my cramps, and ended up with a bad time. But I have that weird lump under my ribs, on my right side, that's been there since January and I always get my cramps exactly there. I should really go to a doctor, but I lack both a doctor and time...

Friday I had the afternoon off at job because I was going to Baie-Comeau to see my family, and for my uncle's surprise 50th birthday party. It was held at his hunting camp in the woods (we have one there also). So it was a 5-hours drive with my boyfriend and brother to Baie-Comeau, then a 2-hours drive in the woods, up North to the camp. I was exhausted but happy to see my grandfather, uncle and my cousin Jo, and the next day, a LOT of people, including my cousin who moved to British Columbia and whom I hadn't seen in 3 years. Her being there was a huge surprise and her dad didn't know; so not only did he get a surprise birthday party with +25 guests (family and friends), but his 3-years gone daughter appeared out of nowhere. It was so emotional everyone cried! (I did a lot.)

This trip was awesome... but not health-wise. While I did get a lot of walking done - from my uncle's camp to our own, it's an hour-long walk with lots of hills - I didn't eat well. At all. The fact that I wasn't bringing my own food played a lot there, because my mom assured me she'd be making me food: but she never adjusted well to my vegan - now vegetarian - diet and never really knows what to do, so she constantly does the same things.

Friday night I had two sandwiches with fake meat (made of soy - those things I used to buy but stopped when I read the nutritional labels), mayo, mustard and cheese. There wasn't any lettuce, or any veggies to put in. At least there was whole wheat bread... then at night I had a few beers and chips. A LOT of chips. They were right in my face and it's like I couldn't stop munching on them. I hadn't binged like that in a really long while.

Saturday morning I had THREE pieces of bread with peanut butter, and a potato patty. There weren't any fruits, nor juice. Tried to have a lot of water - but since we don't have running water there we have to bring our own bottled water, and they didn't have a lot. So I couldn't drink as much as I wanted to, because others obviously needed to drink too...

Saturday for lunch I had veggie burgers which at least had lettuce to put in. Didn't eat anything in the afternoon, and for supper I had a little bit of salad, some pasta salad my mom made, and a piece of bread with hummus.

Then there was dessert. Oh my. Vanilla cake, chocolate-covered rice crispies treats, crunchy chocolate balls and dad's cookies. Of course I had to take a sample of everything - but just one, and I was able to stop there, which felt like a miracle.

But, I had a lot of beer at lunch time, and 4 cups of wine for dinner. UGH!

Finally Sunday morning we had muffins from Tim Horton's so I only ate one since they're a gazillion calories each (around 400, 450); but then at my uncle's camp, they were making brunch, and... the pack of dad's cookies was right in my face. I didn't count, but I probably ate around 10 of them. And at some point I asked my grandpa what he put in them - coconut, oatmeal... and so much sugar it almost made my heart stop. I STILL had buttery toast after that, and a little piece of potato patty.

I felt awful for binging so much, but it didn't stop there. We left before noon, and at my parents' house, after I took a shower, my mom decided to stuff my bags with food. Of course the remains of what she'd bought for me - the fake meat, hummus, and even a bag of black pepper crackers ("I have so much!"). I picked up my friend who was coming back to Quebec City with me, and the ride home went fine. I drove half of it, but before we left I bought chips and had half the bag with my boyfriend. -_- then in St-Fidele we stopped to get cheese curds like we always do, and still had half the bag. I felt awful after these two days of horrible eating. At least I drank 3 bottles of water in the 4,5 hours it took to get back home, and I only peed one: I was pretty much crazily dehydrated.

But wait for the worst part. My boyfriend was hungry back home, around 8:30, so he said he was going to McD's (there's one just next door). He asked if I wanted anything - and even though I was NOT HUNGRY AT ALL, I still asked for a baked blueberry pie.
I just took a look at McD's website for the nutritional "value":
270 calories with 14 g. of fat and 15 g. of sugars. UGH! A disastrous end to a disastrous food day!

At least I didn't give up and today I'm back to my good habits. Yesterday night after the laundry was done, the luggages unpacked and my belly full of sugar and fat, I planned my menu for the week. I'm going to set mini nutrition goals every Saturday when I plan ahead, starting next week (because I only thought about this today). Next week is going to be: eat less carbs for breakfast, and more protein. As I'm now vegetarian I'm trying to put eggs back into my life (I'm still buying organic eggs from free-living chickens though! lol) so I may start to eat eggs sometimes in the morning. Since right now my breakfast is either a bagel with soy butter and oatmeal with water, or a bagel with soy butter and cereal with soy milk. I'll cut one of the two and replace with more protein, and a little fruit. Other than eggs, do you have any idea what I could get for protein in the morning?

Today while I was at work I also planned my training for a run I subscribed to at work. It's a 21 kilometers run separated in segments of 4,5 kilometers (4 of them), and the last 3 kms walking. It's for a good cause - the one we've been supporting since Winter with a lot of activities - and since I never did a lot for it, because I just don't have money, I decided to do the run. A few days after I subscribed I found out I was incredibly motivated and that having a goal like this is exactly what I needed. Because the scale is not helping, and I honestly didn't have any serious goal ever since I came back on Spark in March, except coming back to my 160 pounds weight.

The run is September 7th, right when my vacations start. I'm supposed to go to New York, so I'll leave right after. I gotta raise $650 for the run, well $550 since I'm already giving myself a hundred bucks, lol. So I planned a training with 4 runs a week, my rest days being Tuesday and Thursday; I'll have to reschedule strenght training as I need one of these two days to be my total day off (no running or strenght training). If I don't have one of those, I give up pretty quickly.

I'll be gradually going up to 5 kms in August, running in intervals or without depending on the days. I went pretty randomly and am going to adjust with how it goes, since I've never ran so much (I used to run 3 days a week last year, but never 4). I've also started to browse the running articles in Spark, and I really, really should get this lump under my rib checked, lol. Because if it keeps hurting like that when I run I won't be able to do 21 kms in a day.

As to my blog title... (almost forgot about that) I was in my car coming back from work today, listening to this song I love called Belzebuth (I got one of the lyrics tattooed on my arm) and one of the other lyrics is that (but in French). I run faster than despair. Even though in the songs it's about a man coming to freedom by commiting suicide (ouch), I thought it described pretty much what I feel like when I run. Because when I run I leave everything behind - negative emotions, negative thoughts, negative parts of my life. I just keep the positive - and the despair I sometimes feel crawling back into my heart is just left behind, because I run way faster than it does.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AFINEMESS 6/23/2013 11:43AM

    Sounds like quite a weekend! It happens.. the important is that you're coming back to your good habits as soon as it's over and don't look back :)

I like what your tattoo means to you, I can relate.

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