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Something Has Been Nagging Me

Monday, June 17, 2013

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs and articles lately. I’ve learned a lot of things about health, fitness, nutrition, and the process of achieving our goals. For instance:

*We have to take full responsibility for ourselves.
*Consistency and persistence pay off.
*We have to keep challenging ourselves.
*Losing weight is only one aspect of the process-- inner change is also taking place.
*We have to “dump the refuse” that is weighing us down and holding us back. (Thanks, CATINCJ, for that phrase!)

I’ve also figured out that what is going on inside us is probably the most significant thing of all; that without this inner change, outer change will be difficult to attain, much less sustain.

So what’s been nagging me?

Myself. My thoughts. Memories of past obstacles. Memories of tough things I’ve had to face, like brain surgery and learning to walk again only to, three months later, develop a seizure condition as a side effect of the surgery. Memories of having seizures in public and retreating from the world for several years until they were under control. Memories of all the times my ex-husband humiliated me for getting fat. For that matter, memories of an argument we had a few months after I came home from the physical rehab hospital. I was sitting on the couch with my leg brace off, which meant I couldn’t get up, and he ran over, yelling, with his fists clenched. I realized, in horror, that he was going to hit me, something he’d never done before. All I could think of was my neurosurgeon telling me to protect my head, my brain, from injury. As I curled my arms over my head for protection he pummeled my arms, leaving bruises. As he walked away, laughing, I wondered what was wrong with me that I’d fallen in love with, and had three children with, such a horrible man.

I realize I need to let all these things go. I don’t want to forget them. I think I need to remember them. But, I need to let them go. After a talk with one of my primary Intellectual Teddy Bears (my sister) Sunday night, I also realized I am angry at myself. Angry at the person I used to be and don’t want to be any more.

I need to “dump the refuse,” as Cat would say.

Holding onto the bitterness is holding me back. Holding onto anger at myself for choices I made is holding me back. Holding onto regret for wasted time is holding me back.

Writer and healer Louise Hay says: “A big part of healing our lives has to do with forgiveness. Remember the door of your heart always opens inward. You have to let forgiveness in. You have to be willing to love yourself no matter what.” She also offers this affirmation: “Love heals me. I center my thoughts on love and forgiveness, for myself and others.” (Retrieved from: http://www.healyourlife.com/bl

I’m not finding forgiveness, for others or myself, easy. I’m really struggling with this.
I’m somewhat comforted by something else Louise Hay says: “We do not have to know how to forgive. All we need to do is be willing to forgive. The Universe will take care of the hows." (Retrieved from: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0

I hope she’s right. I think I will be using that affirmation a lot in the coming days.


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thanks for sharing your story.
    1740 days ago
    I have tears in my eyes. I knew you were a kindred spirit.
    1740 days ago
    What amazing blog. Thank you for sharing something so personal. You are amazing and awesome person, no one is allowed to make you feel any different. Including yourself, and sometimes that's the worst enemy we have.
    1740 days ago
    Thank you for so honestly sharing your heart with us. I am touched. I agree with what some of the others have said. You may not realize it, but I think you have already taken steps toward healing and forgiveness. I am so sorry you had to go through all that and had a husband who would hurt when you when you were down. It is just unimaginable. You are a survivor and an inspiration.
    1741 days ago
  • LINDAK25
    Ah, yes, forgiveness. First, forgive yourself. Learn to love the person you were, too. My most favorite quote about forgiveness is from Diana Gabaldon - "forgiveness is not a single act, but a matter of constant practice."

    I believe forgetting is part of forgiveness. I've decided that it's not really forgetting as much as forgetting to remember. Every time I bring up all the bad memories it's like I'm practicing my anger and hurt. It doesn't make me feel better. So now when those negative thoughts begin I say out loud, "Let it go." For some reason saying this out loud makes me stop the negative thoughts. The more positive my thoughts are, the more positive my self image is.

    Don't misunderstand. I went through a lot to get to this point. Perhaps it was just time for me to make peace with myself and to set all that aside.
    1741 days ago
    There are actually men like this in the world? Shudder.....oh yeah, Kanye West, Chris Brown to name a couple of well known few.........
    So glad that evil man is out of your life. Now's the time to grow and move on. Become all you can be. A role model to your kids, since they don't have another one.
    I hope with all that is possible for you to heal, that you can always rely on your family and Spark friends. Take care, MJ emoticon
    1741 days ago
    So glad you got rid of the worst refuse...your ex-husband!

    Big emoticon
    1741 days ago
  • JACKIE542
    You have really overcome so much,great achievements. I agree so much about forgivemess and your last quote about letting things go because they are heavy, so true. Wish I knew how to say this better, but I always remember I can not change what happend in the past but I can sure make my future as bright as I want. Try not to let toxic people and things that happened take over any more of your days, you deserve more, you are worth it. Hope you understand what I am trying to say.
    Hope you have a great day. emoticon emoticon
    1741 days ago
    Wow!!! Thanks for sharing. Your journey is truly inspirational. emoticon
    1741 days ago
    you are survivor! celebrate that! emoticon

    I had very similar "Issues" a very good friend asked me how much rent I was charging for my ex and all the bad stuff that was in my head?? (as I was very angry)

    I remember looking at her and saying something like nothing, WHY? she said well then evict them!!! they do not belong or are allowed take up residence in your head if they are not paying you rent!!

    It took awhile but after awhile It was easier to shoo them all out!
    1741 days ago
    I am touched by your honesty and emotion. You have come so far!! I admire you deeply and will refer to the quotes you used often. Please keep us informed on your progress.

    1741 days ago
    Wonderful beautiful blog. You deserve to love yourself completely.

    Thank you for sharing this part of you. I know you can do this.
    1741 days ago
    A beautiful blog. I'm glad you got a divorce.
    1741 days ago
    Wow Lou,

    Whether you realize it or not, you have done a ton of work to heal already. Number one, to have formulated all this information inside your own brain (yeah, the one that was operated on - it DOES really work beautifully!!!) And then to have the courage and eloquence to share it all with us. I honestly had a goose-pimple moment reading and reflecting on all you wrote. To realize exactly 'where' you are at is over 50% of the battle within! Take this to heart deeply. You have come so far already.

    For me, I have had a lot of forgiving to do too. There is no chance of ever forgetting what was done to me either as the physical effects are permanent. So I divide my thought pattern in two paths...one is genuine forgiveness and the other is the actual memory of what was done. When I think about forgiveness I think about how it benefited ME to walk up to my mother, look her straight in the eyes and say "I forgive you." Shocked the hell out of her. (She was lying in the hospital shortly after having a heart attack). I prayed for just 5 minutes alone with her. With a family of 10 siblings, that was a real miracle to ask for. BUT it happened. So I did it - just like I had prayed for it to happen. I will never forget what she did. And I find that within that forgiveness, even tho I have I find myself getting angry from time to time because of the symptoms I still have to deal with due to what she did. I try to realize that people who are in accidents deal with life long symptoms too. I accept my anger, feel it and let it go. Not always easy - sometimes I channel it into my workouts to make it more intensive. In the end, if I do it right it actually gives me some benefit. So, maybe channeling it may help you.

    Life just isn't fair. Sometimes we do fall for the wrong people in our life. I did the same thing you did...fell in love with an abusive man. But after I left him, and learned to understood that it was a pattern in my life I had to break, I could let that one go. I now am with the love of my life. David is no saint. He isn't perfect but he is so good to me 99% of the time. He makes me want to do good things for him - he makes me think of something other than myself. I have found a sweet balance in that part of my life.

    I am getting long here...hope I've said something that you can reflect on. Stay connected with your pals here in Spark. I am finding a lot of real connections here that have and can continue to help me. And yes, it helps so much to find that I am able to help others. Make living each day that much sweeter when you can put a smile on another person's face.

    You are doing well on your journey emoticon

    And in sharing, you give others the courage to move forward too! emoticon

    Rosie emoticon
    1741 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/17/2013 4:57:25 AM
    You are a great person and you can do anything you want to do!

    "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

    Eleanor Roosevelt
    1741 days ago
    1741 days ago
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