I’ve been reading a lot of blogs and articles lately. I’ve learned a lot of things about health, fitness, nutrition, and the process of achieving our goals. For instance:
*We have to take full responsibility for ourselves.
*Consistency and persistence pay off.
*We have to keep challenging ourselves.
*Losing weight is only one aspect of the process-- inner change is also taking place.
*We have to “dump the refuse” that is weighing us down and holding us back. (Thanks, CATINCJ, for that phrase!)
I’ve also figured out that what is going on inside us is probably the most significant thing of all; that without this inner change, outer change will be difficult to attain, much less sustain.
So what’s been nagging me?
Myself. My thoughts. Memories of past obstacles. Memories of tough things I’ve had to face, like brain surgery and learning to walk again only to, three months later, develop a seizure condition as a side effect of the surgery. Memories of having seizures in public and retreating from the world for several years until they were under control. Memories of all the times my ex-husband humiliated me for getting fat. For that matter, memories of an argument we had a few months after I came home from the physical rehab hospital. I was sitting on the couch with my leg brace off, which meant I couldn’t get up, and he ran over, yelling, with his fists clenched. I realized, in horror, that he was going to hit me, something he’d never done before. All I could think of was my neurosurgeon telling me to protect my head, my brain, from injury. As I curled my arms over my head for protection he pummeled my arms, leaving bruises. As he walked away, laughing, I wondered what was wrong with me that I’d fallen in love with, and had three children with, such a horrible man.
I realize I need to let all these things go. I don’t want to forget them. I think I need to remember them. But, I need to let them go. After a talk with one of my primary Intellectual Teddy Bears (my sister) Sunday night, I also realized I am angry at myself. Angry at the person I used to be and don’t want to be any more.
I need to “dump the refuse,” as Cat would say.
Holding onto the bitterness is holding me back. Holding onto anger at myself for choices I made is holding me back. Holding onto regret for wasted time is holding me back.
Writer and healer Louise Hay says: “A big part of healing our lives has to do with forgiveness. Remember the door of your heart always opens inward. You have to let forgiveness in. You have to be willing to love yourself no matter what.” She also offers this affirmation: “Love heals me. I center my thoughts on love and forgiveness, for myself and others.” (Retrieved from: http://www.healyourlife.com/bl
I’m not finding forgiveness, for others or myself, easy. I’m really struggling with this.
I’m somewhat comforted by something else Louise Hay says: “We do not have to know how to forgive. All we need to do is be willing to forgive. The Universe will take care of the hows." (Retrieved from: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0
I hope she’s right. I think I will be using that affirmation a lot in the coming days.